After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 27 2020
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.
I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.
π︎ 802
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.
βWhat are you doing, dad?β
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
βNot much, just feeling board.β
π︎ 38
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Whatβs a Wall Street farmerβs favorite thing to invest in?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Someone's used indelible pen to scribble a picture of a dog on my wall!
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 03 2020
What is a guy with no arms, no legs, to the wall?
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Just found this store by chance called Ollieβs. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here.
reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 29 2020
I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...
Smoking is such a turn off.
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
π︎ 162
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︎ Jul 17 2020
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me...
She said βwhat are you doing? What is that noise?β
I said βIβve been screwing around behind your back.β
She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover.
I found it way more entertaining then she did.
π︎ 260
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︎ Jun 11 2020
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
π︎ 34
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Did you here about the dwarf climbing over the wall to escape prison?
He fell!
It was a little condescending.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 28 2020
What did one wall say to another?
''Let's meet at the corner''
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 23 2020
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: βIsnβt that a great looking ship?β Mike replied:
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I had to cancel a boat tour of a Norway cliff-wall sea inlet.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jun 23 2020
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when youβre frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
π︎ 602
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︎ Mar 05 2020
I used to date someone with a communist flag on their wall.
π︎ 23
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trumpβs wall....
On the condition he gets to install windowsπΊπΈ
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
My girlfriend and I were traveling thru Kentucky where we stayed at a lodge. She told me a humorous story out to the left of the wall of the building...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 29 2020
What did the poster say to the wall?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 15 2020
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 04 2020
Dad:βback when I had to do wall-sits in school..β
βI had enough and told my gym teacher I couldnβt stand doing them
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 09 2020
Is it normal for a Jedi to scale walls and obstacles with ease?
Yes, itβs parkour the force.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 18 2020
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.
The reason is a coo sticks.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 24 2020
Went to my dateβs house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall
I knew that was a big red flag
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 28 2019
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 22 2020
My friends got together to play electric guitar, but the distance from the wall to their axes was too great...
Luckily, they had a power chord.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 30 2020
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonder wall to her
π︎ 10k
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︎ Sep 26 2017
What did the man say to his wall?
One more crack like that, and I'll plaster you!
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 17 2019
Eventually, weβre all doomed to end up in super modern offices where the walls are whiteboards
The writing is on the wall
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 10 2019
I was walking by some folks, that didn't seem to get how lopsided the brick wall they were making was...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
My son got into his mom's supply of pads and stuck them to the wall.
I called it a period piece.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
What did the painter say to the wall?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 29 2019
I was sitting next to my sister's dog trying to see what she can actually see, as she watched my dad from behind a wall taller than her and a screen door.
Stepsister: "Are you whispering mean things in to her ear."
Me: "Nah, I just wanted to see what all she could see from down here. But now I might."
Stepsister: "Oh god what have I done."
Me: "Thanks for being my devil on my shoulder."
Stepsister: "Not something I want to be."
Me: "Thanks Sensei."Β
Also Me: * Walks over to my sister's dog, who's still sitting by the door, and get right up to her ear. " Lucy you are adopted"
My stepmom and I both laughed.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
What are 2 walls telling to each other?
We'll meet at the corner.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 19 2019
What did the fish say to the wall?
Dam.
But what did the wall say?
Dumb bass!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
How do you talk to a thief who is climbing down a wall?
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 17 2019
Two fishes swimed into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said dam!
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 12 2019
My friend asked me to plug his phone to the wall since it only had 20% of battery left.
So I asked him how can he lose 80% of the battery and still work with it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 06 2019
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Oct 31 2018
What fruit can be used to remove pencil stains from a wall?
A dried grape. Cause it's a raisin.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 26 2018
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 28 2019
I hung up the number 1 on the wall today, But to do it...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 07 2019
Why do the guys at wall street lean to one side?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 11 2019
The prisoner said snooty things as he repelled down the wall to escape
π︎ 3
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︎ May 05 2019
When Ancient Greeks used to mix the clay for their dwellings a rule of thumb was to mix it until it was the texture of Hummus before putting it on the interior walls
Itβs quite well known that the Ancient Greeks championed Hummus Texturality
π︎ 3
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︎ May 02 2019
My friend who is a stock broker on Wall Street wants to open a florist shop...
He wants to stop and sell the roses!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 10 2019
A man tried to pass through a brick wall
...but one does not simply walk into mortar
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 20 2018
I'm mortified. I went to my sister's and she had her nudes just hanging on the wall!
imgur.com/4kltd4e
π︎ 31
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︎ Jan 13 2018
A friend asked me for help to mount his self-portrait on the wall the other day, so I went and bought him all the twisted cord that I could find...
βWhatβs all this for?β he asked...
βWellβ I replied, βIβve heard that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himselfβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
Me to my daughter - I've made something amazing. It let's you see through the walls.
Daughter (super excited) - what is it, what is it?
Me - A window!!
π︎ 84
π
︎ Oct 17 2017
My dad pointed to a building and asked me the color of the wall. I said tan/beige. He said...
Then why does the sign say Walgreens?
π︎ 67
π
︎ Mar 11 2018
Had to get my blood drawn today. This was on the wall at the lab.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 11 2018
Who's going to be in charge of Trumps border wall?
The Secretary of da' Fence!
π︎ 110
π
︎ Aug 02 2017
How to keep a wall from becoming an iron curtain:
Keep stonewalling it till it's curtains.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 20 2018
I spoke to a German about walls
Apparently his country was divided on the subject.
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 10 2018
There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 29 2018
Light said to the wall
Thereβs something shady behind you
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 07 2018
Out of two objects, which one can you use to climb a wall?
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 23 2018
I've been listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall lately and my friends tell me I need drugs to have a good experience with it
But I don't think I need anything at all.
π︎ 35
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︎ Oct 10 2015
My friend sliced up an apple to eat and quickly hung the scraps on the wall. I looked at him like he was crazy.
He said, "What?! It's Decor!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 09 2017
Did you hear about the widow who was married to a wall
She just can't get over him
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 01 2017
I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a midget escaping down the wall. I waved to him, but all he did was flip me off.
It was a little condescending.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Feb 07 2017
What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 17 2017
Finally convinced my wife to let me hang a giant clock on the wall.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 21 2017
Where will Trump go to buy his wall?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 08 2016
Dad trying to put the new tv up on the wall
Brother: Dad what are you doing?
Dad: Trying to figure out how to mount the tv.
Brother: You're gonna mount the tv?
Dad: Yeah right in front of everyone
π︎ 90
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︎ Sep 20 2013
Pin a cup of water to the wall.
Dad had a joke he would pull on us then any kid we would bring over. He would announce that he was going to demonstrate how to pin a cup of water to the wall. He would get a cup of water and a strait pin then move a chair over by the wall. He would then proceed to get his victim to hold the pin and the water while he climbed on to the chair. "OK, give me the water!". Then he would make a show of picking out a place to pin it. "Now give me the pin." When they step up to hand him the pin.... he threw the water in their face.
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 26 2013
Mom was in the living room hammering a nail in the wall to hang a frame...
...and she says "I think I hit a stud."
My dad yells out from the kitchen "That's funny, I didn't feel anything!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 13 2015
What did one wall say to the other wall?
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 30 2020
My New year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
I'm planning on sticking to it.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 31 2019
My New Years resolution this year is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
Iβm planning on sticking to it.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 10 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
What did the wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 31 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
what did one wall say to the other wall ?
I'll meet you at the corner
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 11 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you in the corner.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Let's, uh, meet up in the corner.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 13 2019
What did the dad say to the wall?
One more crack and I'll plaster you.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 24 2018
What did the wall say to the other wall?
π︎ 49
π
︎ Mar 09 2018
My new year's resolution is to buy a Velcro wall
And I plan on sticking to it.
π︎ 85
π
︎ Jan 02 2018
What did the man say after listening to his wall?
"One more crack like that, and I will plaster you."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 26 2018
What did one wall say to another wall?
Iβll meet you at the corner!
π︎ 43
π
︎ Sep 30 2017
What did one wall say to the other
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 23 2017
What did one wall say to another wall?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 05 2017
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