Scientists have discovered a way to walk through walls....

Its called a door.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Thanks to whoever left some goodies hanging all through my morning walk today..
πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herecomesthesonny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a crazy person walk through a forest?

He takes the psychopath

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The gunslinger walks through the saloon doors...

and he just stands there, surveying the assemblage as the room goes quiet. And suddenly he yells, "All you dirty bastards, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And the crowd rushing the exists raises a cloud of dust, obscuring vision. When it settled, the gunslinger notices one little wizened old man tucked in a corner beside the piano. The gunslinger walks over, his spurs making a small jingling sound. He stands in front of the still-seated old man. "WELL?," he demands.

The old man looks up earnestly into the gunslinger's face, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't ther?".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shagata_Ganai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A ghost walks through a bar and orders the Christmas Spirit.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but Christmas passed."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Watched my wife walk out on me through my window yesterday

I guess it was window pain

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_Parzival_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I've often wondered as I walk through the forest, "Why is the ground so dirty?"

Well, now I know. Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

...I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a dad and his son walk through a store.

The clerk approached them and asked if they needed any help.

Dad replied with "No thanks, not even the plastic surgeons could help him."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cutelikepotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Thanks to this subreddit - I can leave work and walk through the front door and look at my dog and say..

"Wow. Home at last."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/observationstoat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the Dad say when he walked past a mushroom on a walk through the forest?

"There is a fungus amongus."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillasanchez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Can't even walk through the house

So I was moving a chair from one room to another, carrying it through the hallway

Dad: "Everybody behave, it's the chairman!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so

I herded through the grapevine

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, when you find yourself walking through a shallow pool for no reason...

...you have to stop and ask yourself what you’re wading for...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Late last night Mr Peanut was walking home through a bad neighborhood

I have been informed he was a-salted.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...

She says, β€œOh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, β€œI don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

πŸ‘︎ 451
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Walking through East London, I asked my friend: β€œWhy is there a bull in that charity shop?”

He replied, β€œThat’s an Ox, fam”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eormada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to my parents house for dinner and when I walked through the front door my mom asks,"Are you hungry?"

So I told Her,"No.I'm half German and half Irish."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
To my dirty English teacher whose home I walked through...

There was a lot of literature house.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Ghandi spent a lot of time walking through the desert, so his feet hurt and he was always thirsty and weak. It's also very hard to brush your teeth in the desert.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEJoll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Two lions walking through the Savannah, first one says β€˜waaarghhhhhhh’

Second one says β€˜sciatica still playing up?’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a shortcut through some bushes, but didn’t realize I was walking into poison ivy...

That was a rash decision.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking through town with my wife one day when she pointed out a man dressed like a tree selling $1 hard-boiled eggs,

She said "What's he doing? Is this normal??? It isn't even Easter".

I said "Oh him? That's Egg-Sell-Ent"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking through a quarry…

I said to the foreman, β€œThat sure is a big rock!”

β€œBoulder,” he corrected me.

So I stuck out my chest andΒ shouted,Β β€œTHAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a man walking through an airport holding a basketball...

Must’ve been traveling.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moosesurgeon12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
An idiot goes walking through the woods...

After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Last October, I was walking through the cemetery and I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brdain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery....

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand....I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross... reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarPrince
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking through a rope store.

All the ropes i saw were boring until i saw one that took my breath away.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NamelessMarkus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened when Moses walked through an Orchestra?

The parting of the reed sea

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erisednox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks 'A gift for your daughter?'

I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'

She thought that was pretty funny.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocatsonmelmac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A father and son are walking through their garden and stops in front of a tree

Father: "For 18 years i've watched you grow up to be a great young adult, you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm so proud of Yew."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustacius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door....

She replied, "my name is Anna!"

I said, "Yes! Yes I know "

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warshadow
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call three Spanish men illegally walking through a field?

Tres-passing

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucieBossy
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and were walking through an Arts and Crafts store and we saw a sign that says, β€œGlue Sticks.”

I said to her, β€œNo shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
You guys, I’m a dad and I have to say it.... I feel like a cow walking through tall grass

I’m udderly tickled to be here!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/go_see_a_shrink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How can you tell will smith recently walked through the snow?

The Fresh Prince

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattyiicee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A lion is walking through the Safari...

He walks up to a zebra and says, "hey zebra, guess what? I'm a tiger." The zebra rolls it's eyes and the lion walks away. Next, the lion sees a giraffe and says, "hey giraffe, guess what? I'm a tiger." The giraffe scoffs and turns away. Finally, the lion walks up to a chimpanzee and says, "yo chimp, guess what? I'm a tiger..."

The chimp looks right back and the lion and says, "dude, will you quit lyin'..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajoltman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Walking through IKEA's lighting department...

My Stepdaughter says: "This place is lit!"

So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/level32
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Two peanuts were walking through the park

And one was a salted.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PolesawPolska
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I was walking through a shop and I saw a sign that said: "Fireworks".

I thought, "Yes it does, especially if you want to burn stuff."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I was walking through the forest with my girlfriend when she asked "how many trees do you think there are?". I stopped, look around, and said:

Twenty-tree

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Simply__Scott
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
So while walking through the produce section I was lamenting the fact I used to be pretty rad.

Now I'm just rad-ish.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twindadlife
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!

You're Fired !

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you walk through walls?

You use a door.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamAshlee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 255
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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