Torne Puns

An ambulance

Because he was ripped

My lawyer said I don’t have much of a case.

Well, on the other hand, I'm okay.

‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.

I guess I’ll have to settle for bad mitten.

RIP.

He was A-frayed

Me: Are you asking me to reboot myself?

He puts them on the counter of the store and the tailor looks at them.

"Euripedes?" he asks.

"Yes," says the man. "Eumenides?"

I mean, on one hand it feels good....

He's going to have an MRIRIRI scan.

The tape was tearable

The doctors say he's going to be alright.

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

Well, that's a relief.

Thanks!

Me: let me go get some tape Wife: eye roll

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

Dad: "Are those your church pants?"

Bro: What?

Dad: Well, they're awfully hole-y!

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

He's Ben through a lot.

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/aoSbU (Ep7 spoiler-related dadjoke fest)

I’m a little torn up about it.

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

• Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

• Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

• Thank you

Picking up the torn pages, his friend asked, “Why Euripides?”

You could say it's torn

Years ago my dad got his ring finger torn off, so now all he has is a little stub.

So now when he meets new people he puts ketchup on it and puts a Chinese finger trap on. He walks up to them and puts on a flustered face. When they tell him he needs to "push together" he replies with "don't be stupid that won't work!"

He then proceeds to yank his finger out.....that's my dad.

One day, the cow left a fake skeleton in the field, and the farmer thought the cow got torn apart by wild beasts. Sighing as he dropped his shotgun, he said,"Great. How am I gonna have beef with you?"

Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious?' and he's be so torn. What dad joke does he make? 'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'. Which one? Which one would he make?

I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share.

My dad: Yeah shes getting her limbs torn off...

Not sure if its classified as a dad joke but my dad couldnt stop laughing at his own joke.

I don't know if I should get an episiotomy or not, I'm torn.

Most of them were already torn away by the time I'd gotten to 'em!

All I could think was, "You've cat to be kitten me right meow." I'm torn on how I feel about her... I wish I could retract what she did but there's no point getting clawed up in the negative emotions.

Wife (pointing to ripped bedsheet) : That's got to go in the garbage, it's terrible.

Me : Not only is it tearable, it's torn.

Wife: crickets

“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

“Euripides?” Asks the tailor

“Yeah. Eumenides?” Replies the man

"Euripides?" says the tailor. "Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

“Euripides?” asks the tailor. “Yeah. Eumenides?” replies the man.

so yeah I've had a strip tease.