Race
Specifically, alles.
He wanted to seem tough on china.
After a long, difficult discussion they decided to call it a day.
"That's why I get for marrying a linguinist!"
Honey. Nut. Cheerio!!
... but I really do like to puntificate.
Envelope
Then I go buy Hershey's.
(I told my dad this joke and he loved it so I figured if it made a dad laugh it could count as a dad joke)
it just seems outdated and useless
I don't think they rhyme at all
My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".
...
More silence
...
"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.
It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.
Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.
Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!
I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.
It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.
Paul Walker made it to 100 before he died.
I haven't had many chances to use it yet, but when I see a window of opportunity, I toss it out there.
Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡
Because they drank all the t
Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
🎃 Because he couldn’t get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
👀 Eye see you.
Why didn’t the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
👈🏻 The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
📺 Because U isn’t included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
❓The response is always, “Y, you ask?”
Why did the horse become a comedian?
🐴 He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
🍌 They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
🍋 Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
🧂 Because they’re salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
🍝 It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
🌋 I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
🪴 Stacy’s a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
💕Because “Be you” is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought it’d be included.
“Not good at counting”
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I was getting really tired of its shirt.
His long-time wife was sitting in the first row at his funeral, when a man she didn't recognize came up and sat next to her.
"Do you mind if I say a word?" he asked. "No not at all. He meant so much to so many people."
The man walked up to the microphone and said: "PLETHORA" then sat back down.
Crying, the woman leaned over to him and said, "Thank you... That means a lot."
The doctor told me I shouldn't be worried since contractions are a normal part of child birth.
... So I brought it into the mechanic, a man of few words.
"Insurance?" He asked.
"None" I replied.
"Get some," He said "Next time Beep repaired."
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
They/Them
Smiles. Theres a mile between each s!
Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.
The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency. Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.
As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.
Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.
Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.
And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.
I suppose we were just raised differently.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
Gotcha! Lol
Honey, nut, Cheerio!
The Ship of Thesaurus.
The website said it's two week.
4 y/o: "Knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
4 y/o: "Interrupting cow goes"
Me: "Interrupting cow go-"
4 y/o: "MOOOOOOOO!"
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Wife: It's "not" in german.
Me: That's good to know, but what does it mean?
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
Mandalorian
I think you should put one more on
I’ve been telling my son “whoever stole my…” jokes and making him groan. I need more. Please help!
Whoever stole my coffee I don’t know how you can sleep at night Whoever stole my radiator the heat is on you Whoever stole my electronic repair kit you’re in for a shock…
Total pun-upper
My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.
These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):
-
I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.
-
My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!
-
What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
-
A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.
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Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
-
I don't trust trees, they're too shady.
-
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
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Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.
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Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.
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Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.
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Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.
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Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
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I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
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What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.
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Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
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Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.
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Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
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You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
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What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.
I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.
