A blond was sitting at a bar wondering...

why she only has three sisters but her brother has four

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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three sisters

Three sisters stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each sister one wish.

β€œI want to go home,” says the oldest sister. The genie grants her wish.

β€œI want to go home, too,” says the youngest sister. And the genie sends her back home.

β€œI’m lonely,” says the middle child. β€œI sure wish my sisters were back here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My father, the comedian.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show β€˜I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask β€œhow do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with β€œI accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says β€œHuh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theashtonjay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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He's not a dad... yet.

My family went up to Washington for a couple of weeks and my sister brought her boyfriend. Let's refer to her as Kiwi and him as Konrad. We didn't want to deal with bringing a car up, so we rented one, going with a Volkswagen Jetta at the recommendation of the agent who saw the huge volume of stuff we were carrying. I remember seeing Konrad smirking a little bit when we got in the car, but didn't think anything of it at the time.

Fast forward to the end of our vacation, and we're heading back to the agency to turn in the car, and unpacking all of our stuff from the trunk, and Kiwi says "That looks like everything," and Konrad says "Yup, I guess that's the return of the Jetta."

Me: "You've been waiting three weeks to use that, haven't you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
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Talking to Dad about Sister's Christmas gift.

Me: "I don't know why the owl socks haven't shipped yet. I ordered the cat socks three weeks ago from the same company, and they shipped in two days. If they don't get here by Christmas, I'll have to ship them down to [Sister's] house in Tennessee, after she's left."

Dad: "Oh, I'm sure she won't give a hoot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/axlkomix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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My mom was giving me a list of ingredients for a cake...

The the whole family (my mom, dad, and two sisters) are sitting in the living room and my mom asked me to pick up some ingredients from the grocery store. She starts listing them out loud, "I'll need heavy cream, eggs, milk-"

At which point I interrupt to ask what size eggs she needs (i.e. AA etc.) and she responds "It doesn't matter just make sure they're large - oh and cage free"

My dad immediately came back, "Cage-fee? What are you worried about - that the cake will get away?"

My dad immediately does his troll grin and my mother looks at him with a years practiced look of "how did you ever trick me into marrying you"

Naturally this was followed by my nine year old sisters falling apart into giggles, and eventually me too. My mother looks at us like she's thinking to herself "They must have switched all three of my babies at the hospital" before looking up at the ceiling and saying, "I guess I'll write a list..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firebrat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Nuns

I walk into a Longhorn Steakhouse with my dad and we see four nuns sitting at a table making their order... My dad looks at me and says: "I guess they couldn't resist the flesh".

Another time: It was Easter weekend and we're at the airport to pick up my sister. Waiting at arrivals is a group of three nuns... My dad says: "Who are they here to pick up? Pontius Pilot?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lacagada
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Dad joked my grandma and sister all in one joke.

Mom- "I'm really hungry!"

Grandma- "I am too!"

Sister- "I am three!"

Me- "Oh, I am 16.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingoflionbears
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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