Sea son's greetings.
now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
He calls them missile toes.
You just can't beat something like that.
I should have known better than to make week sauce.
There's no Plate like Chrome for the Hollandaise.
All the trimmings
(Merry Christmas everyone!)
That speaks volumes.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out. It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
She's going to love these flowers!
It's cheaper than tinsel and baubles.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates. Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
This gift sucks.
Dad: How do you make a hobbit?
Me: Please dont
Dad: You frodocopy it!
Me: Please kill me
My girlfriend made it worse this year by laughing.
Some people have too many dollars and not enough scents.
because I HAVE dated references.
Not as a main gift though, just as a stocking filler.
She still refuses to plug-in the chair I bought for her last year.
I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.
Cause they can't decide who's responsible for opening the doors.
But when I gave it to her she just said "Bah handbag"
He's calling it the Buttcracker.
We just visited the cemetery to visit my great grandfather's grave, and all the headstones have Christmas wreaths on them because it's a national cemetery (military). Someone asked "well I wonder who lays all these wreaths out here." My dad replied, "The Grim Wreather."
We all laughed as my mom hit him on the arm and said he was terrible.
couldn't wrap my head around it...
I think it's the rapping paper.
It Tannenbombed.
But it's such a rip off.
He lives very far from my place (10 hours flight to get there) and unfortunately, I was not able to visit my parents this year.
Obviously he asked me when I will come and visit them, to which I replied "I'll visit you this year for sure".
By the time I said that I told myself "god what have you done..." only to hear my dad on the phone: "Better hurry up! you only have 5 days left!"
Sister: "Dad, what you want for Christmas?" Dad: "Well, I put a stud finder on my wish list on Amazon. But I dunno, last time I borrowed one to hang a picture, it didn't work." "Why not?" "It kept pointing to me."
My mother was talking about a friend of hers who is really skinny because she works out all the time.
Mom: All she does is bike and exercise, she doesn't even have a stomach.
Me (with a purposely bewildered look): Then how does she eat anything?
Many eye rolls and groans were had and my wife just glared at me.
After all, they're in mint condition...
My family got my father a few gift cards to restaurants as some of his Christmas presents, and he says, "Wow, a 198 gift card!" We all stare at him, confused, until he explains: "Two gift cards for the 99 Restaurant!"
...Usually when we're decorating the tree or house.
ME: "Will you hand me that strand of colored lights?"
DAD: "Son, we don't call them that any more."
http://imgur.com/a/ECWaV
[http://i.imgur.com/Ze1R8Y2.jpg] Because we already have an elf on the shelf.
"I'm not really a fan of Silent Night"
For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to "dot his eyes." As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too.
"There's still 364 days until Christmas and people already have their decorations out!"
Dad: Wow, Milwaukee is a long ways away from home. This is going to be a long trip home.
Me: ...
Dad: You know how we could get home faster?
Me: How?
Dad: Mil-runny!
.. It can't be returned and only comes with a one year warranty.
After unpacking a simple and straightforward gift I turned to my dad and mentioned,
"Hey, there is no owners manual."
Without pause he just looks back and says,
"Well of course it's an owners automatic"
So my five year old niece got this Elsa doll and said "Elsa belongs in the snow!" My dad heard "Elephants belong in the snow!"
So he asks her about that and she says "No, Elsa!" My brother replies "Elsa looks like an elephant." My niece shouts, "She does not have a trunk!"
So my dad looks at her and says "If she doesn't have a trunk what does she put her clothes in?"
My brother and I laughed but everyone else groaned
The first joke was while we were watching tv and a commercial for the new show Atlantis came on, and dad said, "I hear that show is already under water."
The second was when we all got our stockings. Mom had given us scented pencils, and dad said, "You know what those are for right? It's so your writing doesn't stink"
I didn't get anything yet. I have to wait until December.
This still cracks my little brother(6) and sister(4) up like crazy when he's opening presents.
Dad:" Oh look! It's a new box!"
http://imgur.com/vJRdXPO
What's wrong, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. It's just this damned escalator. It's really letting me down.
Got the whole eye-roll along with the sigh & groan.
[Dad opening some new gloves and starting to try them on]
Mom: I hope you like them, I wasn't sure which size to get you. How do those fit?
Dad: Like a glove.
I loved that Dean Martin Christmas Record.
Did you hear a Brazilian died today? How many is a brazillion?
They get to the register, and comes the time that he's gotta use his debit card.
Clerk: You can swipe it now.
Father: Well, I thought I'd just pay for it.
And also, what will the winning lottery numbers be?
Son: Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Dad: Give him a glass of water!
Uncle: Why didn't you call me back? Other uncle: Why would he call you back? Your name is John!
