A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A German guy walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks "dry"?
The guy says "no, just the one"
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
A man wearing a tie fastner walks into the bar.
The barman says, "We don't like your tie pin here. "
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his junk. Bar tender asks, "what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, “Burger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.
“No”, replies the burger, “but I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”
“Oh, sorry”, said the man, “I thought you were a meaty urologist”.
A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says "do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants"
The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts
The past, present and future walk into a room.
I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
Guy:"Whats this about?"
Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?
Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."
Son: “I’m gonna take the dog for a walk”
Dad: “ok great. Collar. Leash.”
Son: “no dad. Call her sparky!”
So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A little boy walks up to the teacher’s desk.
He says, “Miss, can I please use the bathroom?”
The teacher says to him, “Okay, but only if you say your ABCs first”.
The boy is visibly bursting for the toilet and is crossing his legs while standing.
He takes a deep breath.
“A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
The teacher says to him, “Where’s the P?”
The boy replies, “It’s running down my leg”.
Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Kenny Rodgers ended up in a wheelchair after an accident. While rolling down the side walk, he lost a wheel.
He sung: you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.
A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.
He is amazed and wants to buy the duck.
The man refuses at first but eventually agreed.
As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts.
Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing.
Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......
My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
A taekwondo student walks up to the seller in a doughnut store. What did the seller say?
An American, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, a Burmese, a Chinese, a Canadian, a Dutchman, a Dane, an Englishman, an Estonian, a German, a Japanese, a Korean, a Mexican, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Russian, and a Welshman all walk into a posh bar. The doorman says sorry, we have standards.
You can’t come in without a Thai.
Walk in the woods
Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a lamppost. The first guy turns to the second and says "Whats a lamppost doing out in the middle of knowhere" and the second replies. "That's Narnia business"
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?
He wanted to put his best foot forward
The rapper Mike Jones and a owl walk into a bar.
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.
in the end, he came around.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
A pirate with a ship’s wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help but ask about it.
The pirate replies, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
Why did the legally blind man walk into a well
Because he couldn’t see that well
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - “what’ll you have?” Bear says “I’ll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.” Bartender says “alright. Say what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says...
Oh no, not you two again.
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.
The difference is staggering.
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen your kind here before! What'll you have?"
When I was younger, I used to walk the plank
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