The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.

Only ewes can prevent florist friars.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silverjaydog
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The Village People are getting ready to host a party.

Nacho, nacho plan... they've gotta make a nacho plan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...

I’m really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call the village where Hobbits live that isn’t as good as the Shire but they make really good sloppy joes?

Worcestershire

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tinygluesticks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
This village on the way to Kazbegi, Georgia.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaRoma
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Beastie Boys fan say when their idol Adam Yauch asked them what their favourite Village People song was?

"Why, MCA?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vulfneck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I hired Emcee Adam Yauch for my kid’s birthday party but all he did was play the same Village People song over and over again.

WHYYYY MCA!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A Rabbi paid a visit to the village of "Trid," where they were being relentlessly kicked by an angry troll. The troll completely avoided the Rabbi, kicking only the locals. He finally approached the troll, and asked why.

The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard a news story about a village where the citizens were dying of thirst,

I hope they get well soon

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AvaHorsie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:

"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/palpameme_66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Two thieves stole all of the roof tiles from the village church...

It was a separation of church and slate.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KZedUK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
There once was a boy that threatened the village

"I will blow up your water place!" He meant well.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_press_keys
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2015
🚨︎ report
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The villagers gathered as the guards dragged the blacksmith through the town square.

One of the villagers turned and asked another, "what happened?"

She told him, "he's been arrested for forgery."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Mario say when he saw Villager throw fruit at the DLC Man-Eating Potted Plant?

Is that-a pear on-a plant?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BABYPOWDER_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The villagers wanted to build a water reservoir to fight the dry season...

Sadly the government didn't give a dam.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichardPath_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
If Minecraft Villagers kept the name Testificates, what would the Illagers be called?

TestifiHates.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catluvr2
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
🚨︎ report
The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Old Robinhood

In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.

But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.

So, Robin called his son over to him and said, β€˜Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.

β€˜Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, β€˜but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?

Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say β€˜Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?

β€˜Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yakapuka11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
That's an Oddly Shaped Pie

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

πŸ‘︎ 374
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomfc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Pythagoras the explorer (long)

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Old joke, my daughter loved it.

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

πŸ‘︎ 237
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvoluntaryist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • β€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
  • β€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
  • β€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
  • β€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.”
  • β€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
  • β€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
  • β€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
  • β€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
  • β€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
  • β€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
  • β€œHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ason42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ummagumma26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
The Pole Vaulter

During the Olympics in Rio last year, a journalist was walking through the Olympic Village, and passed a guy carrying a long pole over his shoulder.

"Hi! Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how do you know my name?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stereoroid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend just dad joked Jesus

We were talking about how it is Easter and also 420 and discussing how we should celebrate.

Him: "But Jesus was a total narc."

Me: "He was?"

Him: "Yeah. He prevented that woman in the village from getting stoned."

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/panic_bread
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
🚨︎ report
A group of settlers had just finished building a damm.

They looked at the valley below, they were gonna build a village and start new lives there.

One settler said to another: "This going to be our damm nation."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GirikoBloodhoof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
The train breaks down in the DDR.

A train traveling through the DDR is carrying Stalin, Krushchev, and Breznev through the Urals. It breaks down.

Stalin lines up the crew of the train, the local villagers, and the passengers, and shoots every 5th person.

Krushchev lines up the survivors and gives them a rousing speech about how much better Soviet trains will run in 7 years.

Breznev sits back down, pulls the blind shut, bounces up and down in his seat, and pretends the train is still running.

The DDR politburo votes themselves out of office because the train won't run.

:D

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.