Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
The GPS told me to turn around.
But then i couldn't see where I was driving.
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
If you were a ghost what part of the body would turn you on the most?
Turns out there’s a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
What do doctors call the procedure to turn a female to male?
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
Why did the murderer turn on the lights?
Why did the bear turn red?
Because he was em-bear-ssed
Son-“Dad it’s cold in here, can we turn the thermostat up”
Me - “No just go stand in the corner”
Son -“Why?”
Me - “Because it is always at 90 degrees”
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and noticed the clock turn to midnight.
I thought, “Same shit. Different day.”
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
At which turn did the dog lay down?
After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in.
It was his claim to flame
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
If he turns right, the purchaser becomes purchaser rights
I hate it when I forget to turn off the toaster
I guess you can say I'm black toast intolerant
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ....sound advice.
Two goldfish are in a tank, one of them turns to the other and says
Hey! Who’s gonna drive this thing?
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He just couldn’t see himself doing it
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
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