The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 384
π
︎ May 14 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 557
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
In my divorce settlement, my wife (now ex-wife) wanted only the boring things...
π︎ 6
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︎ May 24 2021
My house got broken into the other day and now I can't get to my bedroom upstairs.
When they left, the burglars took the stairs.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 24 2021
When I was a kid it was free to use the air hose at the gas station. Now itβs $1
Thatβs inflation for ya
π︎ 147
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I got bit by a Japanese mosquito on the leg, now I got a Japanese one and two
π︎ 12
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︎ May 18 2021
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 02 2021
I have finale cracked the most difficult problem. I now know all the digits of pi.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
π︎ 326
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
My employer now gives two weeks off to recover from the vaccine.
They call it Modernaty leave.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
How many boats are trying to get through the Suez Canal now that it's unblocked?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
Do you know how many clickbait articles there are out on the Internet now?
The answer may shock you.
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Now that Iβm officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say βI bet he donβt have the guts to do that againβ
Edit: holy shit yβall this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
π︎ 607
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Polar bears have been introduced in the Antarctic. What are these polar bears now called?
π︎ 45
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 40
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︎ Jan 26 2021
My friend lost the front part of his foot. Now I donβt like him anymore.
Iβm lack-toes intolerant.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 07 2021
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 28 2021
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 06 2020
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
π︎ 64
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, βWhatβs it like Outside Right Now?β She replies,
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I told my wife Iβm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, βWhere would you find the time?β
I said, βEasy. Right next to the sage.β
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet
Space X has really taken off this past year
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Iβm in Tampa bay right now and theyβre selling corn on the cob...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of βA. Blinken.β
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 23 2020
What is the most sought after nation right now?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 15 2021
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
The 21st century is now old enough to drink.
And you thought the sober years were bad
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2021
So the wife told me I that should know by now she's never wrong.
Is that Korean? High Never Wrong, you should know by now I'm Chris!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
βChristopher Wreathβ is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now itβs $1.50. You know why?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
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