"I always level up via side missions before starting the main quest!"
You mean, arson?
(I probably coulda worded it better, but you see where I'm going with it at least)
"That's great!! Shall we raise a toast?"
It was a sting
"No, dear, I left it a jar."
Pointing at the clock on the oven saying, "its right here!" is how you get the following response from your wife: "I knew you were going to say something stupid so I thought about not asking."
That is a win in my column!
He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
The wife replies, "Poor kid! Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead".
The husband replied, “Thanks honey… Without my glasses on, so do you.”
It's who I yam.
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B".
I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!"
She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll.
It was great!
I'm 42 btw.
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Mostly bees.
"That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea!"
Honey Nut GoodBye’s
Imma Be
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
Maybe try a married one then
My trivia team is in need of a punny new name, related to "honey mustard". Can you help?? I'll share a pun for payment. The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dabi do!
He brought home nothing but bees.
I was so excited, I rushed into the house and showed my wife the fruit I worked so hard to produce. I said "Look honey, it's finally here, just like you wanted"
She rolled her eyes and said "You idiot, I said grow a PAIR!!"
...she was a keeper.
Let that sink in
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard
#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”
#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”
The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”
At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”
At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.
After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.
The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”
“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.
Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”
“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.
“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”
The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”
It’s all powered by US bees.
I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.
My boyfriend: Neither. I put it on the .com-post.
The interviewer wants to ask the interviewee a final question before deciding on whether to hire him or not. “why is there a 4 year gap on your resume?” She asks. The interviewee replies “Oh yes, I was in Yale”. Happy with the response, the interviewer says “you’re hired”. The interviewee thanks her and calls his wife immediately and says “Honey! I got the yob!!!”
...this pork tastes like krop.
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"
“Honey, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, “For the third time, yes I can hear you!”
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
I loved it and couldn’t get my eyes off of it so I decided to frame it to the wall in the living room next to my wife’s photo. And since she wasn’t okay with having a pig’s photo hanging next to hers, obviously, she was angry at me,
“You’re not hanging that creepy photo in this house sir” she said.
To which I replied “Well, honey, I don’t think you see it”.
“See what?!” She asked.
“The pig picture” I said.
The bee makes the honey and the donkey takes the whacks.
(This would be better heard than read)
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
