I broke out in hives.
They went to the utter-most parts of the world...
It's where God wanted them to bee.
Honey, where is the book I bought yesterday titled "Stay healthy at +100"?
I threw it away. Your mother wants to read it.
You mean, arson?
(I probably coulda worded it better, but you see where I'm going with it at least)
It was a sting
"That's great!! Shall we raise a toast?"
"No, dear, I left it a jar."
"*A* crazy person? There are a hundred crazy people driving the wrong way!", I screamed in anger.
Pointing at the clock on the oven saying, "its right here!" is how you get the following response from your wife: "I knew you were going to say something stupid so I thought about not asking."
That is a win in my column!
When the waiter asks for their order, the husband says, "I'll take a sloppy Joe."
The wife, mortified, looks at her husband and says, "Honey, this is a fancy restaurant."
The husband looks at the waiter and say, "Correction good sir. I would like to place an order for one unkempt Joseph."
It's who I yam.
He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
The husband replied, βThanks honeyβ¦ Without my glasses on, so do you.β
The wife replies, "Poor kid! Go over there and tell him to use a sponge instead".
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B".
I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!"
She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll.
It was great!
I'm 42 btw.
Mostly bees.
"That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea!"
Imma Be
Honey Nut GoodByeβs
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...
A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.
"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"
"It's alright honey, I'll help you"
After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.
They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.
"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"
"It's alright honey"
His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.
"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"
She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.
"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"
The doctor looks over.
"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
Maybe try a married one then
experienced husband starts from the top. "honey, where is the car?""at the bottom of the pool"
What did the Bee say to his wife, when he left for work ?
Bye Honey π―
Cardi Bee
He brought home nothing but bees.
...she was a keeper.
Let that sink in
She gasped audibly and said, βYeah?β
I said, βHelp! My knee is made of magnets!β
Itβs all powered by US bees.
My boyfriend: Neither. I put it on the .com-post.
I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.
My trivia team is in need of a punny new name, related to "honey mustard". Can you help?? I'll share a pun for payment. The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dabi do!
Wife: Thatβs wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: βWeβreβ not going anywhere.
βHoney, can you hear me!?β She turned around and shouted, βFor the third time, yes I can hear you!β
"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied, "β¦but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
