My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what sheβs up to now.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
What did the pirate call his girlfriend at the dock?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
I proposed to my girlfriend, who is the VP of marketing at her company.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
My son proposed to his girlfriend while they were at the gym and she said no...
I guess they didn't work out!
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Was watching Arrested Development the other day and my girlfriend made a groaner of a dad joke.
Lucille: βI have to get Dusty ice cream.β
GF: βDusty ice cream doesnβt sound very goodβ
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
What's the difference between a rock thrown at you and a crazy girlfriend?
It doesn't hurt when the rock misses you.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend
I wood do anything for you
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
π︎ 55
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmerβs market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.
I said, only if theyβre givinβ βem away, givinβ βem away, givinβ βem away now.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars....
So, I took her to the planetarium.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I really appreciated my archaeologist girlfriend's tent at the excavation site...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
What did the mushroom say when his girlfriend dumped him?
Come on, why babe? Iβm a fungi
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
π︎ 58
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Came in from the cold and my girlfriend said βYour eyelashes are icicles!β
I said βand my balls are testiclesβ
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
why did the magician's girlfriend break up with him?
Cause he never revealed any of his secrets.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
My wife is okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
She doesn't like me calling her that, however.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I met my girlfriend at the cash register.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
π︎ 317
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
Why did the oyster's girlfriend dump him?
He was shellfish in the seabed
No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
What did the osteologist say to his girlfriend?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
My girlfriend and I have the same shoes
I guess you could say we are solemates
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Why was the sniper's girlfriend mad at him?
Because he never misses her.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
What did the vampire say to his girlfriend as he nuzzled her bosom?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
A perfect 10 but purely imaginary.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldnβt have been on that escalator.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
My girlfriend started an all fruit diet yesterday, the house is FULL of the stuff.
ItsΒ enoughΒ toΒ makeΒ aΒ mangoΒ crazy!
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
When my girlfriend told the room that she was going to make coffee her dad said, βno, in the Bible, it says that the man always makes the coffee...β
Havenβt you read Hebrews?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
I used to know a mushroom named Gus who was a blast to hang out with. That changed the day his girlfriend left him.
She said she preferred 2 fun-guy over one fun-Gus.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
π︎ 135
π
︎ May 25 2020
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.
About time she slapped some cents into me.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested
Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what sheβs up to now.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
π︎ 106
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
My girlfriend is the square root of - 100
She's a perfect 10, but completely imaginary
π︎ 37
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
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