I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.

It was a near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leif_hans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Flush!

πŸ‘︎ 320
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllSaintOx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

A perfect 10 but purely imaginary.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.

In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sellwinerugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonp27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?

It was his ex-tradition

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When my girlfriend told the room that she was going to make coffee her dad said, β€œno, in the Bible, it says that the man always makes the coffee...”

Haven’t you read Hebrews?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bulbasaur_King
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know a mushroom named Gus who was a blast to hang out with. That changed the day his girlfriend left him.

She said she preferred 2 fun-guy over one fun-Gus.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.

I am tired of her shit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My son cried when he lost his first girlfriend. I told him don't worry its not the end of the world

Just yours.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend when they broke up?

"I won't miss you"

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend started an all fruit diet yesterday, the house is FULL of the stuff.

ItsΒ enoughΒ toΒ makeΒ aΒ mangoΒ crazy!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking by a kindergarden with my girlfriend, when she suddenly started throwing dry grapes at the kids.

At that moment I knew she was good at raisin children.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobarso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested

Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleek1t
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
While we were out on the lake, my girlfriend swore she saw a bird dive into the water...

What a loon!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?

Toot and come in

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of medicine, my hippie girlfriend cured her hemorrhoid using only the "power of positive suggestion."

"I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the melon say to his melon girlfriend?

Honeydew you want to get married? What did she reply? Sorry, I cantaloupe!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TBarlow1998
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.

About time she slapped some cents into me.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyparkinson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that she was worried she was turning into a costal area at the southwestern tip of the Gower Peninsula in south Wales. I said to her...

Don't be Rhossili Bae

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I compared my girlfriend to boiled pasta the other day.

It's really strained our relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ev1rw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.

I just want her back

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?

Because she took him for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltyquill
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend couldn’t stand my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart.

The irony is that I’m a Gemini.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnsobenj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the second girlfriend or boyfriend you ever had in your life?

A bae-B

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weedftw_69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wanted to spice things up in the bedroom

I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoaswows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy was having sex in the ocean with his girlfriend when he accidentally came on a dolphin

Turns out He did it on porpoise 🐬

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnbobbitlol
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The astronaut broke up with his girlfriend

He didn't love her to the moon and back

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinotm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend thanked me for the videos I sent her from my masturbation session.

The pleasure was all mine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnALeash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was walking thru the city with stilettos on when a part of one gave out...

She said, "what the heel!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend got mad at the amount of bananas I bought

I don't understand why, she asked for a bunch.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the butcher introduce his girlfriend?

"Meat Patty"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firefighterbard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was so much history between us.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran into my ex girlfriend at the gym.

We didn’t work out.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So I proposed my girlfriend at the gym yesterday

It didn't workout

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_F4DiL_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is the square root of - 100

She's a perfect 10, but completely imaginary

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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