My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Did you put the dog out?
I didn't know it was on fire!
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Which side of a dog has the most hair/fur?
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Why did the smaller dog have a better bark than the bigger dog?
Cause he was a sub woofer!
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
What did one dog say to the other dog?
Bork Bork Bork
Itd be funnier if you were a dog, trust me
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︎ Jan 13 2021
What's the furriest side of a dog?
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I asked my dog Regina why she wouldnβt go and get the ball I threw...
She said, βQuit trying to make βfetchβ happen.β
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︎ Jan 16 2021
What is the difference of a dog and a can of baked beans?
Well you see, the resemblance is un-canny.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My dog has learned out to use the TV remote...
All she does is paws and unpaws.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
What's the difference between a cat and a dog?
One has claws and the other has nails
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︎ Jan 22 2021
My dog was acting a bit angry since I took him to the vets and get him neutered
But Iβm not worried, since he doesnβt have the balls to do anything
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Whatβs a dogs favourite breakfast in the morning?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Had a David Bowie cover band play the entire Diamond Dogs album....
And, the Cubic Zirconiums were awesome! But definitely NOT anywhere near the real Diamonds, dawg.
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
You hear about the dog who liked to chase cars?
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 03 2021
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jul 06 2020
What's the difference between a fox and a dog ?
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Whatβs the difference between a well dressed man and a tired out dog?
One wears a suit and the other just pants.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
What do you call the bass in dog choir?
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︎ Dec 20 2020
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"
The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"
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︎ Dec 10 2020
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog shit
A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time
π︎ 111
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︎ Nov 19 2020
A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.
After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine."
I said, "Are you a vet?"
To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I just saw a stray dog with the Eiffel Tower stuck in his fur, along with Arc de Triumph and the Louvre...
...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
What happened when the dog went to the Flea circus?
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Whatβs the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
A dog wags a tail but a marine biologist tags a whale
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 30 2020
The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs. After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds...
...they will be subma-weiners.
π︎ 110
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︎ Oct 24 2020
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
π︎ 91
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.
Doc: lie down on the couch and weβll discuss this.
Me: Iβm not allowed on the couch.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and SchrΓΆdinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Whatβs the difference between me and the family dog?
The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Whatβs the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?
A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, while a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 07 2020
The wife asked me tonight if Iβd seen the dog bowl.
I said βto be honest I didnβt even know he played cricketβ.
π︎ 58
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
π︎ 79
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My wife asked me if Iβd seen the dog bowl..
I said βI didnβt know he could.β
π︎ 22
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
βDidn't even know he played cricket" I replied
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I went to the zoo today and they only had one dog.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I went to the zoo the other day but the only animal there was a dog.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog.
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︎ Nov 29 2020
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