Why do the British pronounce a "bottle of water" as a "bo'oh'o'wa'er"?
Because they drank all the t.
π︎ 206
π
︎ Jan 16 2023
A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at the store.
Donβt worry I only got super fish oil injuries.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 01 2023
Found this in my moms garage. I give you: The Bottle Popener
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 02 2022
Daughter: βDad why are you staring at the orange juice bottle?β
Dad: βIt says concentrate.β
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 09 2022
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?"
The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 11 2022
Why do rich people drink wine straight from the bottle?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 06 2022
My friend asked me "why do you keep an empty bottle of milk in the fridge?"
I replied "in case any visitors want a black coffee."
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jul 29 2022
I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands.
It was a look of otter disdain.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
How did the Japanese condiment bottle introduce itself to the Mexican condiment bottle?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 03 2022
what's the most you've ever spent on a bottle of whiskey?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 21 2022
My brother threw my water bottle in the ocean, and forced my to drink from it.
Iβm still salty about it.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 27 2022
I brought a corked bottle to the party
The other guests whined about the taste.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 13 2022
I was hanging out with my friend Sierra when she tried to throw her off-brand soda bottle into the trash can
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 01 2022
Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping
He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 12 2022
Did you guys hear about the police arresting a bottle of water?
It was wanted in three states: solid, liquid and gas.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 28 2022
The bottle of bleach I bought said "Keep away from children" on its label
Great advice, they're so annoying!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 06 2022
a litre of petrol and a bottle of beer are being sold at the same price in my state.
It's now your decision you can ride or you can fly.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 28 2022
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
"Could we have a bottle of red wine, please?" I asked the waiter.
After a few glasses my wife said, "This wine really compliments my food."
"How drunk are you?" I asked. "Wine doesn't talk."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 13 2022
What's the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bottle of glue?
You can tuna piano but you can't tuna fish!
>!Hm? The glue? I knew you'd get stuck on that!<
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 13 2022
My brother asked me why the bottle of beer he bought in the morning was half empty.
I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 17 2022
The preacher always was a bit of a pushover and people pleaser. Which is why we were all surprised when he drank a whole bottle of lye.
Guess he just really wanted to be based.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 22 2022
What did the pill bottle say when it ran out of medicine?
π︎ 117
π
︎ Aug 27 2021
Two brothers plan on sharing the soda they just bought, half half. The first brother drinks the entire bottle in a minute. The other bother says "why the hell did you drink the entire thing? We were going to each have half!"
The brother who chugged the soda responds "my half was on the bottom."
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 09 2021
Why did the boy stare at the bottle of orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 18 2022
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
π︎ 346
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
Did you hear about the ketchup bottle that filled itself?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 03 2022
Kid: βHey, Dad, whatβs this bottle of wine doing in the fridge?β
Me: βJust chillinββ
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 31 2021
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other hand, a pair of scissors under her arm and a corkscrew behind her ear?
π︎ 42
π
︎ Sep 06 2021
Watching the news is like squeezing a bottle of coke.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 15 2021
Scientists just found a soda bottle at the bottom of the Mariana Trench
Theyβre not sure if it was real life or just a fanta-sea
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 24 2021
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
Bottle-nosed dolphins are some of the smartest animals on the planet. So smart in fact that they never make mistakes...
They do everything on porpoise.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 10 2021
The act of christening a ship by breaking a bottle of champagne against it should be called 'Shiptoasting'.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
Why can't the bottle of mouthwash be a politician?
When he opens his mouth, everything coming out is gargled.
(Umm, wait...)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 29 2021
An angry fan just threw a bottle of mustard on the field at the Tennessee game...
I guess the team needed to ketchup.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 17 2021
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber βis this whiskey?β
The other says βyeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bankβ.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 19 2022
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
π︎ 408
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought earlier was half empty
I told her because she is a pessimist.
π︎ 85
π
︎ May 05 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
