Test Point Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

I had a Canon printer for years.

Because Captain Picard would never put a crew member in Jeopardy.

So this past Thursday, my wife and I had tickets to see the new Batman film. We managed to get a babysitter organised and everything.

We're sat in the cinema for the obligatory 30 minutes' worth of adverts/trailers. Getting pretty pumped to see The Batman at this point.

Around about 20 minutes into the film (absolutely glued to the screen), I notice that I'm starting to feel really itchy and my lips started to swell up and go numb (this has only happened once before and I've been to the GP to have tests done. All negative so far).

Another 5 minutes go by and I'm starting to struggle to breathe but fuck, it's Batman, I can push through this, right?.. Wrong!

5 minutes after that, I'm sat in the ambulance that my wife had called for me, on my way to A&E. After half the night in A&E, alone, they discharge me.

My wife picks me up. As I get home, her friend (who babysat for us) was still at our house comforting my wife. After the questions of concern and comments of relief, she asked how the first 30 minutes of The Batman was.... my answer?...

"It was so good, it took my breath away".

TL;DR. 30 minutes into The Batman I went into anaphylactic shock and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Once being discharged from the hospital I was asked how the for 30 minutes of The Batman was. I responded with "it was so good, it took my breath away".

Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol’ time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.

Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the bloody campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.

When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, ‘well, if you do a dna test, you’ll find that the Czech is in the male.’

Thank you. I’m here all night.

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype!). I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded "I'm tired as fuck." By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: "HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD" Even my mother started laughing. It was hillarious.

My dad is currently a dentist and my sister is in her third year of dental school. She took her National Board Exam last Saturday. Since my dad took that test too at one point in his life, she asked him for "Any tips?" My dad immediately took out his wallet and threw dollar bills at her.

Edit: and no, my dad didn't throw money to let her know that becoming a stripper is a viable career.

I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,

So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.

Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."

At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"

she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"

What is happening to me?

It's been about a year since my dad passed away unexpectedly. The grief hits me in weird waves sometimes, but one of the things that ALWAYS brings a smile to my face is a joke he kept going for YEARS.

It started in line at Costco years and years ago:

Dad: [pointing over to a sign in the pharmacy] What does that say?

Me: Hearing aids.

Dad: What?

Me: HEARING AIDS

Dad: WHAT?!

A year or so later, at a charity event banquet, a police officer was speaking...

Officer: ...these funds have helped cover numerous medical expenses for those in need, including vision tests, hearing aids...

Dad: [leans over to me] What did he say?

Me: [whispers] Hearing aids.

Dad: What?

Me: Hearing aids.

Then we both burst out laughing and had to keep it together at this fancy dinner.

My dad did this for YEARS. And was masterful at waiting JUST long enough so that I had forgotten the joke and would fall for it every time. It was basically a years-long dad-joke ambush.

It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.

The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"

Jimmy wiggles his fingers.

"Good. Where are your knees?"

Jimmy points to his knees

"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"

Jimmy points to his nose

"Very good! How did you know all that?"

Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"

Son's taking permit test today and while waiting to be called we watched some "interesting" facts they put on the tv screen.

Son points out, hey dad look Nevada's official state rock is Sandstone.

Me: I feel they could have made a boulder choice.

I went to the optometrist for an eye test today and he was showing me the picture he took of the inside of my eye. He pointed to the macula and said it looked perfect. I said "So you think it's immaculate?"

So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.

Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.

So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...

I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?

The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.

And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D