Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?

They looked at the reviews... only 1 star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Belpix0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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How does the solar system keep it's pants from falling down?

It uses an asteroid belt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scifi_jon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Which digital payment system does the pope use?

Paypal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardlysure
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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an interesting title
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyYoda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Don't trust your digestive system...

It's full of $hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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What is The metric system’s favorite bug?

A centipede. I’m a dad, can confirm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fifthpick2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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If I had to rate our solar system...

I'd give it one star.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabereyn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?

Because of their Auntie-bodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reiri_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.

It’s a Pierre to Pierre network.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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What's a celibate person's favourite operating system?

Unix.

(Eunuchs.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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We should have a global storage system for crops...

Some people just want to watch the World Barn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamiker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What would happen if you give McDonalds an operating system
  • They'd sell Mac
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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System of Operating
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNguyen720
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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What happens if you give a site foreman an operating system

He'll install windows

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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The Czech republic is introducing a train ticketing system so you can pay with bitcoin...

...it uses blocktrain Czechnology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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What banking system do birds use?

Feather All Reserve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heleninthealps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Errors are red, screen is blue, i think i deleted, system 32.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hallower87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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How do damp libraries classify their books?

Using the Mildewy Decimal System

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πŸ‘€︎ u/underscorecarl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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How does the solar system throw a party?

They planet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchdearth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

.. because he was a ruler

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drbandre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Why did all those dancers during the halftime show wear those masks?

The singer had a Weeknd immune system.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I hated my System Analysis and Design clasess,

They are SAD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerVee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews, but we only had one star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Termin201
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews first...... only 1 star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmekrusty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at our reviews: only 1 star.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

They looked at the reviews, only one star

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moon1499
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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