I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I really need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist chuckles, “No problem, shall I just put it on your bill?” The duck exclaims quacks in surprise...
“Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?!”
What's the best way to catch a computer mouse? The answer might surprise you!
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house warming party..
I bought some fake feces and put it in my shower to surprise my wife.
When she screamed the next morning I told her not to worry, it’s just a sham poo.
I messed up tonight. I thought that I would surprise my wife and try cooking something new for dinner. I went out and bought some alligator meat..
.. but then I realized that I only had a Croc-Pot.
As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.
I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.
When my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party ....
It was at that moment I realised that he was the favourite twin.
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
I want to plant some flowers this fall as a surprise for my wife.
It's too easy to surprise Windows
Every day it seems to lock up when I Start+L it.
A man walks into his dentist’s office for a root canal. To his surprise, she finishes the procedure in just 10 minutes.
He asks: “How did you do that so quickly?”
The dentist replies: “Oh, it’s just a root-tine procedure.”
For a little anniversary surprise, I commissioned our local bakery to make a cake-statue of my wife.
I threw my blind wife with a surprise birthday party
She never saw it coming!
Edit: I changed the title and still has a typo -.-`
I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him.
It's like a sauna in here.
I came home from a long day of work to find a surprise my girlfriend left me!
imgur.com/a/9nOTA
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
Mrs Hamill was annoyed when her son and I paid her a surprise visit.
She was afraid I'd leave a Mark.
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....
So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....
I was searching pinterest for Ghost (band) wallpapers. This was a pleasant surprise.
I bought my son a car accessory as a surprise but my wife told him what is was before I gave it to him.
Why can’t you ever surprise Darth Vader at Christmas?
Because he always senses your presents.
Much to my surprise they added a roundabout on my route to work.
It really threw me for a loop.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Why can't you surprise plastic containers?
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
My wife brought home a parakeet yesterday. When she comes home, she’s in for a surprise because ...
Toucan play at this game.
A bee-g surprise (x-post: r/funny)
Surprise pun struck me as I was connecting to someone's WiFi
Nade is buying meat for your proposal surprise party.
I don't know if it's coincidence, but both my kids absolutely love surprise eggs. They're obsessed with them!
And neither of them were planned!
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
To my surprise, my physician was the Mediterranean Sea
I guess C’s really do get degrees
A wife finds out she's pregnant and wants to surprise her husband with the news...
"Honey, I'm pregnant!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"That's another way of saying it, I guess, yeah."
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT.
The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker”
My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows”
I am a proud husband.
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
When I was 10 my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That was when I realized he was her
favorite twin, not me.
I moved into my new igloo, and my friends threw me a surprise house warming party!
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
My dad asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party...
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
When I moved into my new igloo, my awesome friends threw me a surprise house-warming party...
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