My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....
It's called a dictionary.
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︎ Oct 29 2022
a minute detail, i suppose
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︎ Oct 18 2022
I just learned you're supposed to pee on a jellyfish Sting NOT a jelly stain.
To the lady at the Waffle House: I am SO sorry.
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︎ Oct 18 2022
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud to kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
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︎ Oct 01 2022
[OC] Just recently a Toad (mario bros) NFT got taken down because those are supposed to be Non-Fungible.
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︎ Sep 28 2022
Me and my girlfriend were supposed to meet at the gym but she didnt show up.
That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.
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︎ Oct 09 2022
Looking for a little help with a joke my daughter brought home from school and butchered so bad I can't figure out what it's supposed to be
Her: How many pieces of rice do you eat?
Me: Uh, 12?
Her: No, thrice
I feel like she's using thrice to mean three rice, but it feels like there's a part missing in between. Anybody know this one?
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︎ Oct 13 2022
The military is supposed to straighten people out, but I once knew a guy in the military who would get annoying and argue with me about the smallest things.
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︎ Jul 04 2022
My date was suppose to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up
I guess she and I aren't going to work out.
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︎ Aug 11 2022
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from going into your eyes but whenever I have something in my eye it's always an eyelash
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︎ Sep 18 2022
Did you know according to the laws of aviation bees aren't suppose to be able to fly?
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︎ Sep 21 2022
I see where he was going with this.
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︎ Oct 28 2022
The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says,
"I don't care, just give me something hoppy."
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︎ Aug 28 2022
What are kids in school supposed to do these days?
My son just got his schedule for school and said his first class is banned. We spent all that money on his instrument for nothing.
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︎ Aug 08 2022
The dinner I was cooking was supposed to be a surprise for my family....
Then the fire trucks came by and ruined it.
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︎ Jul 30 2022
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when itโs raining in Sweden
But how am I supposed to know when itโs raining in Sweden?
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︎ Oct 02 2022
I'm looking forward to the Fibonacci convention later this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
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︎ Jan 08 2022
Dad jokes are supposed to be horrible, so I made theseโฆ
Putin got shot.
In pain, he groaned, โMosc-owwwwwwwwwwwwโฆโ
โ
โPluto was demoted to a dwarf planet, I heard.โ
โYeah! They did the same thing to Goofy a few days later!โ
โ
Siri: How may I help you?
Me: What the hell does โpneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosisโ mean?
Siri: Sorry, I do not understand.
three tries laterโฆ
Me: SIRI, ARE YOU FUCKING SIRIOUS
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︎ Jun 29 2022
What language do police officers speak?
Coptic
EDIT: and Pig Latin too, I suppose. Why not?
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︎ Sep 21 2022
i saw an article about the supposed benefits of drinking milk with no fat
wasn't very interesting so i just skimmed it
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︎ Jun 15 2022
I was supposed to be studying but I was playing a life simulator game instead
When my mum caught me I told her it's not what it ๐จ๐๐ข๐จ
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︎ Jun 20 2022
The ladies over at the monastery can supposedly tell the future.
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︎ Jun 19 2022
My wife insists on dipping her pigs in a blanket into both the Ketchup and the Mustard, when everyone knows you aren't supposed to mix sauces...
She mustup a perfectly good snack!
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︎ May 20 2022
I heard that Milli Vanilli's fall was supposed to have a scapegoat
They were going to blame it on Lorraine.
It never happened because no matter who they asked, even the guys from CCR, no one had seen her.
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︎ Jun 30 2022
I find and analyze peoples FB statuses for a living. I suppose I'm a Statustician.
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︎ Apr 11 2022
Carmen Sandiego was supposed to meet me for brunch an hour ago.
Where in the world is she?
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︎ May 08 2022
Brined love
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︎ Aug 17 2022
Women aren't supposed to make coffee. The Bible says..
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︎ Mar 16 2022
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, โI suppose youโve displaced me.โ The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
โI was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldnโt react.โ
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︎ Nov 20 2021
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus...
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed!
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︎ Aug 02 2022
The Pentagon was initially supposed to be The Octagon.
Unfortunately the contractors cut corners.
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︎ Feb 16 2022
Supposedly thereโs a style of rice shaped pasta.
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︎ Apr 22 2022
I used this face cream that was supposed to make me look 20 years younger.
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︎ May 11 2022
big tiddy goth girlfriend
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︎ Jun 17 2022
What do you say when you catch somebody peeing where they're not supposed to?
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︎ Feb 18 2022
My wife apologized for the first time ever today
She said she's sorry she even married me.
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︎ May 21 2022
[Request] Can anyone tell me a dad joke (from a young woman's perspective) on how to tell coworkers their age?
In a smaller sub I frequent, there's this super cute girl who loves dad jokes. And she tells them amazingly well. She's only 30 and just turned 30. (I suppose today.)
Anyway, she mentioned how her coworkers are trying to guess her age. And I said she should tell a dad joke (not a regular joke, a DAD joke) about her age.
Yes, she's a woman, but she's a lover of puns.
Can anyone help? (If I have a fee award, I'll give you the award. Though it's silver at best.)
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︎ Dec 01 2022
Which bear is more condescending
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︎ Aug 12 2022
How do you trim a piece of pork?
Just take a little bit off the chop.
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︎ Aug 22 2022
There is supposedly a new scent that makes you laugh uncontrollably.
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︎ Mar 14 2022
How do you ride a grieving horse?
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︎ Aug 18 2022
I lost the keys for my piano
Forget opening it, how am I supposed to play?
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︎ Oct 25 2022
Did you know after a male bee has the sexy times it will die? I suppose its life can be summed up in three words.....
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︎ Feb 16 2022
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eye but whenever I get something in my eye it's always an eyelash.
It's quite eyeronic how that happens.
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︎ Jul 31 2022
Looking forward to the Fibonacci convention this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
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︎ Jul 11 2021
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