If you find this joke in the sub or other subs please link...
But her birth was a whole wifetime ago
A jolly rancher
and said "it's an escapea"
he then said, "time flies!"
Me: oh sorry, Dad.
Dad: It’s okay, I step on them all the time
(Every dang time)
A faux pa
He told her it can try all it wants but it'll never be his real stool.
She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.
He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.
-_-
Step Dad- Did you know that is the dead center of New Jersey Me - REALLY!?........oh
What do you call a person who dyes their hair from brown to red?
Transginger
Mother was discussing how she thinks the new house is haunted. Step dad mentions off-handedly that it might be his fault.
When we pressed him to explain, he says, "I'm the size of two people and I'm normal. So, yknow, 'pair a normal'.
So I'm posting this from the upstairs computer
SM: “I bought some shaved Parmesan and manchego”
D: “oh good that hairy Parmesan was no good last time”
I was trying to read the daily specials, but from my seat I could only really see Sunday's. I asked him what the rest of the days were. He said, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"Did you know Netscape and Yahoo merged?"
"Yup, their new name is Netanyahu"
http://imgur.com/2qEvhzq.jpg
My mom was telling me about this magazine title she read at the grocery store for how to calm crazy dogs(my dog has ADD & was currently freaking out about the fireworks since we live close to the fair in town). My step-dad suddenly pointed out "well it's too bad the dog can't read"
Step dad texts me this morning
"Hey Paul, they really love you over here in Scotland, they show your tattoo everywhere!"
I asked "Did you tell your... CO?"
He didn't get it.
He's called a few times as well. It's getting out of control.
When I was little and he first said this joke, it was hilarious, then I became a teenager and it became completely unfunny, now im an adult, its hilarious again.
when a garden pea falls off fork/plate on to floor Stepdad: "ESCAP-PEAAAA"
Dad: Did you get the text I sent you?
SM: No, what did it say?
Dad: It didn't say anything you have to read it.
Yes, apparently this is a thing. It's called Beaujolais Nouveau.
So they'll deliver it in time for release, he had to sign an document to swear that he wouldn't open it before the official date, and insists he won't open it early "in case they find out".
"They'll never know though," I said, "unless they hear it through the grapevine."
I ask him from the living room "How far away is dinner?"
"Ahhh about 8 or 9 meters"
Mom: Careful running on the trail, there have been cougar sightings.
Step Dad: I'm sure you'll be fine. You can outrun those older women no problem.
He replied, "It won't suit you."
Dad: We're in the queue at the airport and everyone else has better luggage than us.
Me: I wouldn't worry too much about what others think.
Dad: But it's a worst case scenario.
While talking about cars he says : 'Why do chicken coups have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. " <rimshot>
GF: Why are so many girls dressed as deers?
ME: So the boys will fawn over them.
For example:
Mum: Your cousin is having a baby this Christmas. Step-dad: Everyone else is having turkey though. Mum: sigh
Mum: Guess what was in iceland today. Step-dad: Freezers.
The list goes on.
We have a 15 year old dog who's getting old and gets sick a lot. Tonight was a pretty bad night for her, moving slowly, lathargic, not acting like herself. All of a sudden she starts heaving, then after throws up the most we've ever seen.
Mom: "Ahh poor thing, I feel so ba...OMG WHERE DID THAT ALL COME FROM?"
Step Dad: "Looks like it came from her mouth."
I lost it for a good 5-10 minutes.
Dog is feeling much better now! :)
Was at my girlfriends graduation when the valedictorian said something about embracing change. Girlfriends Step-dad reached in his pocket, pulled out a nickel and handed it to my girlfriends brother and said "here ya go. Embrace it."
Him - How many jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?
Mom - ugh...
Him - Allah them.
My dad had just mentioned that he doesn't like drinking out of straws, and my younger step sister asked, "why don't you like straws?"
So he said, "straws are for suckers."
I thought it was pretty good.
Me and the rest of my family just got done eating and after we got done talking my step dad asked me and my sister "Would you guys mind hitting the kitchen?" And I replied "Wouldn't that hurt?" Everyone looked and sighed at me while me and my step dad were laughing.
I was out shooting ground squirrels with my step dad and his friend today. At a pause in the action, step dad asks:
"I wonder what goes through their mind when they are killed."
Me being the smartass I am replied: "A bullet."
Got groans from dad and friend alike. Accomplished a goal.
Last night we were sitting in my step grandparents' kitchen talking about how my mom and step dad want to move back to this town
Step dad: Well if you guys feel like you need to go to a retirement home we could take over this house.
Step granddad: Don't worry I have something better for you.
He then paused for a few seconds and starts chuckling loudly and says "A tent-house"
I think it took at least half an hour before he stopped laughing.
So my step daughter is recovering from having here wisdom teeth pulled 3 days ago.
She just asked "so how do I brush my teeth"? (Her dentist gave special instructions).
I replied "with a tooth brush".
She flips me off. God I love my kids.
My step dad and my mom were going to go on a motorcycle ride since he got it working today, and he yelled up the stairs to tell me.
Him: Hey, your mom and I are going on a bike ride!
Me: Okay.
Him: Your mom also said that there is Michellena's in the freezer (Michellena's is a really fucking cheap frozen dinner thing).
Me: Okay, thanks!
Him: Maybe you should let her out!
The house got really quiet and all you could hear was my sigh echoing off the walls.
My wife was working on his math homework with him. It was about adding money and splitting it up into the correct change. He was having a little trouble and my wife just had finished explaining it and she ask, "Do you get it now?"
And my step-son says, "Yeah, it makes sense."
I just laugh and go, "Get it? Makes 'cents'"
Mom: Don't give me that dirty look.
Step-Dad: I just washed my face it could've been dirty.
Talking with my Mom and Step-Dad about how their friend is in the lamp shade business.
Me: "How does someone get into selling lamp shades? That's pretty random."
Step-Dad: "I don't know but I heard it's a pretty shady business."
cue groans.
Whole fam sitting at the table playing Pictureka having a blast. My mom gets a card where she needs to find a jungle animal and points out a rhino.
Me: Mom, rhinos don't live in the jungle, they live in plains.
Step-dad: Ben, they're too heavy to live in a plane.
My laughs ensued.
