What do you call a dinosaur who stalks its prey by cunning stealth?

Nobodysaurus

...I'll get my coat (again)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/byte_marx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobiam232
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk

My 7-year old daughter said this one tonight during dinner. I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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How do T-Rexes stalk their prey?

With dinoculars.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Two corn stalks are standing in a field. One leans over to the other and whispers, β€œHey I gotta tell you something, you got a minute?” The other corn stalk says...

β€œSure, I’m all ears.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caferreri11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Wheat bears large seeds that stay on the stalk

because it has been selectively bread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fiat-flux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
🚨︎ report
My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour

I saw it through my telescope last night

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I’m do alot of online stalking in my pasttime

I use Windows

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hendriklopez
πŸ“…︎ May 11
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I was stalked by a pastry chef once.

He was a real crepe.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.

It was earie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnr_jinx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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What’s the difference between suggestive phrases and stalking?

One is innuendo the other is inyourwindow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcbrnld
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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I am not a fan of the corn maze.

I feel like I'm being stalked, It's eary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Why is picking vegetables a good job?

It comes with a great celery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastLeave8770
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
How do you know a successful female serial killer?

She has a run in her stalkings.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
Where is corn sold?

The Stalk Market

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broke_Gam3r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
Fruit pun related to wealth

I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..

Can any of you pun masters help me out?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A tennis player was reported to be stalking his coach.

The tennis player admitted, and they seem to be on track for a smooth resolution. Upon being interviewed, the coach said: β€œI would have escalated this further, but he's a valuable student with a great arm, and I trust that there is no need for a wrist training order.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
I thought I was being stalked in a corn maze once

It was very earie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Help! I think I'm being stalked...

I keep getting sent flowers with the heads cut off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nonresidentialdot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
SHHHH....
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dhastroyer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife walked into the kitchen to find me stalking around with a fly swatter...

"What're you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies!" I responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females." I replied.

Laughing, yet intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

I responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.

I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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What do you call an extra thick plant?

Stocky

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatWhitehead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When my girlfriend got back from the mall she had the feeling someone had been stalking her...

I told her "you have nothing to worry, babe. I didn't see anyone"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beatalls
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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Our two buddies Bean and Jack was arrested yesterday for harassing women.

Jack and the Bean stalk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did a corn maize the other day

I felt like I was getting stalked.

It was earie.

I’m sure I’ll get an ear full for this corn-y joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

πŸ‘︎ 771
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I recently gave a large sum of money to a corn farmer

It was a major stalk investment

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tim_the_Tool_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erbearlee
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the investment broker that retired to run a celery farm?

It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My wife's loser ex keeps following us around town. He tries to hide but we can always hear him giggling.

A real laughing stalk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think they're stalking me

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ignorethevoices
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
With everyone quarantined and staying inside, there is no one out to spy on or follow around...

The stalk market is very weak.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.

I think I'm being stalked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Went through a corn maze today and didn't like it...

Had an earie feeling that I was being stalked the whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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