Speechlessness Puns

My girlfriend said my communication skills are terrible

I don't know what to say to her

They did unspeakable things to me

I said, “Mark, my words!”

and they did some unspeakable things to me..

He was speechless.

The results speak for themselves

They do unspeakable things

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

Maybe I was too young to remember, But I don't think it hurt that much..

...oof

It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth

Last week i went to the doctor. Got diagnosed with a few things. First thing, im going deaf, that was hard to hear. And then he announced im going mute, left me speechless. After all of that, it really got to me mentally and i went to the therapist. The therapist said i had trouble expressing my emotions, cant say im surprised

-Can't say I do..

but my chiropractor cracks me up

He fired me for mute-iny.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed

http://imgur.com/NZZWAPH

The phrase was: "good night"

Guess where you hold all your dad jokes?

Before I could even reply she yelled “in the dada bank” and ran away.

Kinda speechless but also think my dad jokes are finally infiltrating her “dada bank” 🤞🏻😆

They were flabby-gasted

You've got to urn it

I was speechless.

He couldn’t finish his sentence.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

I can't find the words to thank you.

I can't tell you how upset I am..

I give her a nightly dad joke from this forum.

Tonight she got me

Hey: what’s a kidnappers favorite shoes

Me: (not expecting a dad joke)I don’t know

Her: white vans

Me: speechless.

“Daddy, where do I come from?”

His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about ‘it’. He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. ‘It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. “So, tell me son, why do you ask?”

The boy, still in shock, said. “Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Chicago”

Saying it with a straight face

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite"

“Bison!!!”

~Was shocked to speechlessness when my 5 year old kid said this with a straight face. And this happened when I was trying very hard to teach him the right format of a knock-knock joke. I was stumped for about a minute as he combined a chicken-cross-the-road with a wordplay. Laughed so hard after that - until my wife had to use a pan on my head to stop us both.

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

Security responded, "Quit squawking or I'll violate your lefts too."

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

then she was speechless.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, Bewildered, Dumbfounded, Astonished, Startled, Speechless, and Amazed

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

I said, “Mark, my words!”