So(3) Puns

It was just soda pressing.

Because they're always there four each other

But the bartender was firm.

"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"

The 2nd string sadly leaves.

The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"

And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.

The bartender eyed him suspiciously.

"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.

"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"

(Quite the yarn, eh?) 😉

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"

What show is Dec allergic to?

Sesame Street!

He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.

"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.

Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8

Mum: Wash your hands

Child: Ok Mum (starts to sing very loudly)

Mum: ....in silence!

Child: Don’t be silly Mum....we wash our hands in the sink!

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

The odds were against me

Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST". "Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked. "Nope, that's not him.", I replied. "So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded. "Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"

Hi Reddit, I'm lonesome

They literally can't even

He didnt have a chance against the 4 of us

Meirl: Will, Jaden and willow

I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh...

Even better when actually a true story!

Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil

Yesterday, while eating dinner - my 3 year old daughter wanted a kiss from her mother.

Daughter: I want a kiss.

My daughter then proceeds to give her mom a kiss.

Me: I want 2 kisses.

Daughter then kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 3 kisses.

Kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 4 kisses.

She grabs her fork and puts it to my mouth, and says fork kiss! And laughs.

I'm so proud of her...hahahhaha

Edit: formatting (on mobile)

A man is trapped in a cylindrical room, 8 feet in diameter, 10 feet high and no ceiling. He's out in the middle of Arabian desert where no one can hear him...how does he escape?

"Dad, I'm hungry" "Hi hungry I'm dad"

"Dad do u wanna play soccer with me" "I would love to but it's not allowed to kick your kids"

I came across some old hotwheels and said " Hey bud, daddy used to play with hotwheels all the time!" He stops, grabs my hands, looks at them with a puzzled look on his face and says "no you didnt, your hands aren't burnt!" So proud. So proud.

"Alright sweetheart, Daddy's going to jump in the shower."

"Ok Daddy, make sure you jump really high!"

Me: Just a heads up, I have a dentist appointment at 3 so I'll be leaving around 2:30.

Coworker: tooth hurty

http://i.imgur.com/qs1ctyo.png

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