A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Day 4: “why do you say so many bad puns”
What do you say to your slow fence builder when he's not being original on r/dadjokes?
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
What do you say to a French assassin?
What do you say when you cross the border between Sweden and Finland?
And across the Finnish line
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
What do you say if you are eating whilst doing yoga?
What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?
What do you say to the person getting breast reduction procedure?
I hope it takes the weight off your chest.
Do you know what someone says when they have no access to Swedish furniture stores?
How do you say hello to a gluten-free German?
What do you say of someone who envies a pudding?
A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says "do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants"
The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts
What do you say when anxious ideas won't leave you alone?
What do you say to applaud the vermin that managed to escape the breakfast porridge?
What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?
What do you say when someone roasts a person with reddish-brown hair?
What do you say to an arachnid that worries too much about everything?
Please, don't be so dramatick!
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?
Police put on your life vest!
(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)
A duck walks into a chemist and says, "Do you have any lip balm?"
Chemist says, "Sure, that'll be 95 cents!"
Duck: "Put it on my bill please."
What do you say to a cow when its in the road
What do you say if you find a person trying to poison someone with celiacs disease
I’ve caught you bread handed
How do you say "Sup dawg?" in Japanese?
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
How do you make a computer say ‘5’?
You’ll figure it out. It’s Programming Binary 101.
The Rock always say " Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?"
He is always cooking because he's always hungry for Samoa
What do you say when water boils and dies?
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
From my 8yr old: what do you say to a slow pig butcher?
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman .............
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
What do you say to a math problem you are saving for tomorrow?
What do you say the second time you have Grey Poupon?
Which Country Music Singer's name do you say when you're moving furniture past someone?
What do you say when Batman skips church?
What do you say when you see Bob Marley cooking?
What do you say to a teenager that woke up at 3:00 A.M?
What are you doing up so oily?
How do you say goodbye to your two male kids?
What do you say when you got diarrhea and bad friends?
I can't trust these farts.
What do you say to an electrician that has no confidence?
Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)
Countdraculations.
What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?
A King Kongcorde.
What do witches use to know the hour?
A witch watch.
What do you call a chicken spirit?
A poultrygeist.
And one mine:
What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?
A hen-ted house.
What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?
>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
Do you know what to say to get gold’s attention?
How do you say "Sup dawg?" in Japanese?
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