My news anchor college just couldn't stop rambling about how a bank robber escaped ...

So I told him to cut to the chase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loni4ever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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If your judge at your trial has a habit of rambling on,

Be prepared for a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Sister's rambling on in the car, "I learned about the black market." Father says,

"Oh, really, and how much does black cost?"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Where does 100 equal 60?

A microwave.

πŸ‘︎ 236
πŸ‘€︎ u/GangrenePeen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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My great grandfather always used to say to me that there were three types of people in this world

Those who can count, and those who can not.

(Another post reminded me of this. The great grandfather of mine in question passed away 4 years ago. He also always used to tell me β€œwater is for bathing, always remember that” while he drank a glass of anything alcoholic. Funny thing is he only drank like one small glass a day. Sorry for rambling).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J4keFr0mStatef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Science joke build up

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of β€œCytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off β€œCytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in β€œwow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but β€œnow here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... β€œI guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fly_MartinZ
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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My coworker is redoing her driveway

She was talking about how she needed the measurements of the driveway so that she would know how much gravel she needed.

She turns towards me and asks me in the middle of her ramblings "How many feet are in a yard?"

Without missing a beat I reply "Two if you're standing in it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjap0wz
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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My Dad

My Dad had a brain injury resulting from a fall and was in a nursing home for a year till he passed away. One of the things we both loved were "Dad jokes" and puns. When I visited him in the nursing home it was often a one way conversation. I would just ramble on not sure if he could hear me or understand me, but it didn't matter. One day I arrived and sat with him while he stared into the distance and I said, "Gees Dad you should see the weather outside it's raining cats and dogs and I damn near stepped in a poodle." He turned to me slowly and grinned and said, "That's an ollllllld joke", then he turned away and disappeared again. But for a few seconds he was there.....all of him. The power of Dad jokes. I miss him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Housebitchhere
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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My Pops dadjoked my mom at dinner.

My mom was rambling on with a story at dinner and describing a friend's daughter's age.

Mom: "I don't know, maybe she was 8, 10?"

Dad: "Thats pretty tall for a little girl."

She just buried her face in her hands. I walked out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mt_wawa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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I like to collect the stupid things my family says.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!


Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.

**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*


**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!



**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.


**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.


**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.


*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.


**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!


*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.


*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......


*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!


*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziezie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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A Dadjoke from a nice old man.

So I was eating lunch with some friends when a security guard entered and walked up to our table. The following conversation ensued. [As accurate as I can remember] >Him: How's it going?

>Us: Uh... good?

>Him: That's nice, I noticed you guys were sort of making bird sounds, as a matter of a fact, I studied bird calls in college!

At this point he rambled on for a few minutes about how he could do any bird call we could name, so we asked him to do the robin.

> Him: Fiddles with hands for a few seconds like you would do a normal bird call, Then to our surprise shouts out "Here Robin!, Here Robin!"

Needless to say, he got us pretty well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SherlockedWhovian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Dadjokes: The final frontier

My astronomy teacher tends to ramble, so when he goes off on a long tangent, I browse Reddit. I was looking at /r/dadjokes when he all of a sudden asked me a question about an article in our book. I was a bit dazed, but I snapped back to reality and answered his question. I guess that I had spaced out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riku2k12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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