What's the secret of the Queen's long life?

Immortali-tea

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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The queen liked my girlfriend so much, she immediately made her an honorary member of the royal family...

She was really empressed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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I feel like the stress of the pandemic has really aged me...

...I look at least a year older.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jclcwca0987
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Thousand and thousands of years ago, during the last ice age, there lived an animal that excelled at trigonometry, geometry, and could recite Pi to 100 decimal places. It was known simply as.....

.....the mammothematician.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCL80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Ever heard of a montana sex stone?

It's just a fucking rock

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terifym3
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Season 2 of the Queen’s Gambit will have Beth Harmon move to Prague.

The chess playing main character wants a Czech mate

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Roses are red the queen wears a crown

Never gonna give up never gonna let you down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Why does no one react when the Queen farts?

Because it’s a Noble Gas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farty-McMarty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Why does it take sailors ages to learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem

A minor inconvenience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesus_the_gamer69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian πŸ˜‚πŸβ€οΈπŸ§‘πŸ€πŸ’—
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 651
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What kind of stone isn't an opal?

A nopal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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The wife looked concerned when my son showed an interest in electricals at the age of 5.

He asked about the neutral wire.

I said "don't worry, its just a phase."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d3adeyeduck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop boobies around the age of thirteen...

...and boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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The Queen Mary & The Queen Elizabeth 2

Since you guys like one liners, I thought you’d live two liners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devoutsalsa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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The Queen is immortal, it's not a joke

Coz a pawn would just go to the end of Britain and respawn as the Queen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gandhitaher27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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What do you call teenagers who pee in their pants at the age of 14?

Peenagers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burijazz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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What did the Queen Bee say to the worker bees who were fighting?

She asked them to bee-hive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Barry Allen likes to listen to The Rolling Stones when he workouts

His favorite is β€œjumpin’ jack flash”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beatlesfan196450
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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When REM met The Queen, she held up a stamped envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...

Arthrites.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliptical_orbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.

It was about time!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robconone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?

The... BooBees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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They found bones of a homisapien who lived before the ice age. Some say he was the first hipster...

since he lived on the earth before it was cool.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunjeepcigarbeer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetNaeNaed06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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What did the man say to the Queen when she had allergies?

Bless you your sinus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikecrash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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The cast of β€œFriends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Apparently until the age of 10 ,

Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty, shat on the wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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The doctor today told me I had kidney stones.

It really rocked my world.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Der-Kommissar-III
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_patataa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?

A hummingbird.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koNekterr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.

β€œYou cantaloupe! Your too young”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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This one went by cold with the rest of the chat. Stone-cold.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoneblosom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Ive been reading this book called β€œThe A to Z of Northern Europe”, but it’s taking me ages...

Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamdecal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Out of all the inventions of the Bronze Age...

The shovel has to be the most groundbreaking of all

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harvie_B134
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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What did the queen say when a fellow threw some cheese at her?

How dairy!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperGrandPatzer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...

But I won’t letter!

πŸ‘︎ 385
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the oldest age someone could get a circumcision ?

I just need to know the cut-off date.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report

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