My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...should’ve put it on aloha setting!
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
I am trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can't seem to do it
I guess it must be sprocket science
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.
So I screamed at my shirt.
When the horse from the Himalayas ran in the Derby, I just had to put money on it to win...
I just had a feeling he was the one Tibetan.
It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator". Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
I tried to put my favourite Gorillaz song on the jukebox, but they didn't have it.
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
I put my grandma's no. On speed dail, I call it insta-gram
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
I chortled.
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.
My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."
Actual, horribly painful dad joke.
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said “it looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
If you’re going to put your money on something, make it yeast
It will always make your dough rise.
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called “U”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
I made this thing years ago but I never put it on reddit, thought you guys might enjoy
I once put a list of symbols on a map and everyone still talks about it.
This sign is strange but I can’t put my finger on it
I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything...
...but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome.
Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
Germans don't like it when you put sausage and cheese on the same slice of bread.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
[A British Joke] I was wearing a T-Shirt with an anchor on it and my Dad put the letter 'W' on the left side of it
He then said that's what you are son
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why... I wasn't even talking!
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
My penis reacts when I put it on clocks.
It's alright, but it's hard at times.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I put my clothes in the washing machine yesterday and all of them came out with a picture of Santa on it.
I shouldn’t have used the Yule Tide Detergent.
I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...
I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.
Posted on r/surrealmemes and was told to put it here
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"
The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."
Bought a pick the other day and put it on my mantle.
It’s a hell of an ice breaker
I put a scrunchie on my horse today and she loved it.
It's her new mane squeeze.
My friend tried to write a joke about me on a banner and he put it on himself.
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?
I mean, imagine all the peepholes!
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