My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!

That was the solution!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...

It becomes tearable

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Love_and_Poop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Don't put it on him
πŸ‘︎ 399
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.

Now they can Scandinavian!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."

"a watched pot never boils"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night...should’ve put it on aloha setting!
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifejourney24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I am trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can't seem to do it

I guess it must be sprocket science

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...

They're fairyfocals.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.

So I screamed at my shirt.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KremDeLaFarts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When the horse from the Himalayas ran in the Derby, I just had to put money on it to win...

I just had a feeling he was the one Tibetan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator". Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodlyearth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenNugget6475
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to put my favourite Gorillaz song on the jukebox, but they didn't have it.

How DARE they?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."

You know, a schwa sticker.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Elvis_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I put my grandma's no. On speed dail, I call it insta-gram
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj_arora_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.

She looked at me and said, β€œI’m having a T party.”

I chortled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swAnsonWannabe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.

My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."

Actual, horribly painful dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snarktopus420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said β€œit looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...

β€œI think you mean Toe-laf”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unexpectedfate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy came into the bar to order a glass of Coca-Cola's first diet drink, saying to put it on his bill.

He had a Tab.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re going to put your money on something, make it yeast

It will always make your dough rise.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petersize10
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called β€œU”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.

Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I made this thing years ago but I never put it on reddit, thought you guys might enjoy
πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awsaf_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I once put a list of symbols on a map and everyone still talks about it.

It's a legend.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
This sign is strange but I can’t put my finger on it
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperSamStudios
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything...

...but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome. Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NomisNairda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.

Wife: Why...?

Me: It's going to be my secret stash

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Germans don't like it when you put sausage and cheese on the same slice of bread.

It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/15_Redstones
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
[A British Joke] I was wearing a T-Shirt with an anchor on it and my Dad put the letter 'W' on the left side of it

He then said that's what you are son

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it

I'm not sure why... I wasn't even talking!

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikelln
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....

....this takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bro_Cha_ChoIF
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?

They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My penis reacts when I put it on clocks.

It's alright, but it's hard at times.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XParker78X
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...

The hare vanished into thin hair.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I put my clothes in the washing machine yesterday and all of them came out with a picture of Santa on it.

I shouldn’t have used the Yule Tide Detergent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I put the new engineer in charge of driving the locomotive despite without having lessons on how to drive it...

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Posted on r/surrealmemes and was told to put it here
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HMS_Drake
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A worker tells his boss about a great idea. The boss says "let me think about it" then pulls a bad 80's wig from his desk and puts it on. The worker asks "what's that for?"

The boss says "I need to mull-it over..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nlwe_s
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Bought a pick the other day and put it on my mantle.

It’s a hell of an ice breaker

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquigglesMcJiggly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I put a scrunchie on my horse today and she loved it.

It's her new mane squeeze.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chuck_Finnley
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to write a joke about me on a banner and he put it on himself.

Well. The joke's on him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yobos1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?

I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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