π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 08 2009
What do you call a progressive superhero that specializes in cleaning?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My optometrist told me I needed progressive lenses.
I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
What do you call someone who hates the Progressive spokeswoman?
Viscosity, because theyβre resistant to Flo
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
Did you hear that lady in the Progressive Insurance ads has been dating a rapper?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 12 2019
Progressive rock fans probably hate today.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 05 2019
What did the Progressive ad say about the winter weather?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
Best name for a progressive coffee shop?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 04 2018
TIL that sea-faring pirates were quite progressive in their labor practices, reserving a portion of their loot into an early sort of worker's comp, paying for peg-legs and hooks.
They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has lately fallen out of popularity with the public. He looks set to be suceeded by the progressive Benjamin Netangoogle.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 07 2017
I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called 'prevention'
We were better than The Cure
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 17 2017
"Progressives" are just apologists for Playstation 2 loading screens.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 19 2017
What do men with thinning hair call their hair regrowth progress?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 23 2021
Did you know that the bipartisan infrastructure bill will literally pave the road to progress?
In fact, the key reason is to make it much easier for an omnibus to pass !
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 06 2021
How does a lumberjack keep track of his daily progress? He keeps a logbook
π︎ 25
π
︎ May 22 2021
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress
As long as it doesn't involve change
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 01 2021
Criminal justice has progressed
When a thief is caught today, itβs not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
If Pro is the opposite of Con, what is the opposite of progress?
And don't forget constitution.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.
He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
My booty shaking skills are slowly coming along.
It's a twerk in progress.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 13 2021
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
My cousin is obsessed with Belle Delphine (long)
Iβm worried about my cousin. Heβs 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. Heβs into girls. Ooh, thereβs cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousinβs social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, thereβs even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tomβs shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin wonβt shut up about how he bought them all. Heβs got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. Itβs really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, Iβm telling him that this isnβt healthy behavior, and Iβm encouraging him to seek counseling. Iβm convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jun 01 2021
I can't believe my FitBit still shows no progress...
How much more jogging my memory must I do?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
The teacher asked the student about the progress on the Microsoft Office course.
The student responded: 'thank you for asking, i'm doing excellent.'
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
So Covid and homeschool overwhelmed, I need to schedule a reminder to drain their Mac & Cheese.
I had to create a Google Colander entry to remind me...
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 21 2021
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you canβt rush the progress.
Chrome wasnβt built in a day!
π︎ 61
π
︎ May 22 2021
Whatβs COVID-19βs favorite chord progression?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
Breaking news: There's a riot in progress at the Kentucky Derby.
Authorities are saying it's race-related.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
If the opposite of pros are cons, then the opposite of progress is...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 08 2019
It's hard being a therapist at a leper colony
Your patients can't seem to hold themselves together for that long to make any progress.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 02 2021
Murder in progress
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 30 2018
I've been learning to moonwalk during lockdown.
I made some progress initially, but lately it just feels like I'm going backwards
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Tennis tournament in progress
What, it's still going on?
Isn't Wimble-done yet??
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 06 2017
If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of Progress?
(do I really need to spell this one out?)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 22 2018
The Germans didnβt think the Allies would make so much progress in WWII.
They did Nazi that coming.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 06 2018
Sea Captain
A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.
He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.
((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I'm pretty far on the left politically but I'm not involved in any activism
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
Not sure if that's a pun or a play on words
Present progressive: It is nothing
Present simple: It noth
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 15 2020
Isn't the opposite of progress.. congress?
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 23 2018
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
What's the opposite of progress?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 25 2017
Is pro is the opposite of con, whatβs the opposite of progress?
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 31 2018
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