An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
I’ve been moonlighting as a taxi driver in London to get in a bit of extra money in. I’ve got a pick up late on the 24th at 221b Baker Street.
Looks like I’ll be driving Holmes for Christmas
I wonder if they have a glass port hole on the Mars rover, to both see out of and so Martians could see into the rover...
Or did NASA miss this window of Opportunity?
I had the opportunity to play the oboe with the London Philharmonica Orchestra.
What do you call an old port?
The game dev was hopelessly saddened when he found out the games he made couldn't be ported from PC to Playstation and Xbox..
What's the opposite of a croissant?
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
I’m sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think it’s time to move in a new direction.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
Let’s see what your made of Mike!
What is the capital of Poland?
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
When Norwegian military vessels leave port, they paint big bar codes on them.
When they return to port, they Scandinavian.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
What’s the hardest park to find in London?
Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale
I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
John Maynard Keynes opposed the creation of the London Marathon.
He thought we'd all die in the long run.
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
If sweet dreams are made of cheese…
My wife has accused me of stealing her thesaurus…
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
My 7yo came up with this gem: “What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?”
An egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar....
...bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve breakfast here"
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
This has probably been posted before but I can’t find any posts of it right now
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper?
I read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
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