Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I swear, I put it down right over there!
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︎ Mar 02 2021
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
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︎ Feb 23 2021
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Park it over it here
My mom likes pulling straight into park spots. My dad prefers to back in. I don't care. I'm Neutral
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︎ Feb 24 2021
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My steak didnβt taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it
But it turns out I didnβt make it in thyme.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
What do you call it when you feel like your hearing the same song over and over again
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Iβm so glad 2020 is over, but I canβt believe we have to go through it again after 2021...
After all, itβs twenty twenty too
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︎ Dec 31 2020
It's cloudy all over just now.
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︎ May 02 2020
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I've just texted my wife Ruth to tell her its over...
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︎ Dec 09 2020
It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!
...That's capital punishment!
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︎ Dec 14 2020
If thereβs one thing I learned over the years, its thisβ¦
When your wife starts a conversation with βCorrect me if Iβm wrongβ¦β you just smile and agree. Donβt correct her, itβs a trap.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Itβs crazy, all these people running these virtual races, starting all over the place.
Where do we draw the line?
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Itβs been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Aug 22 2020
I bet it smells great over there!
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.
He got very angry!!!
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. Thatβs when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
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︎ Sep 06 2020
I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in the hospital now waiting to see a cardyologist.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
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︎ Dec 17 2019
My wife stood up and said, βItβs overβ, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
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︎ Jul 15 2020
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
Did you hear the joke about the number eight that fell over on itβs side?
It just seems to go on forever.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Bob:.. I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy Jack:.. " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"
Bob:..."Yes, they're in favor of it, 14 to 3..."
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︎ Sep 17 2020
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. βWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.β...
βWow!β I said. βWas it some big corporation?β
βNo.β He replied, βI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.β
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︎ Jul 28 2019
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Why does it take over a billion sperm to find an egg?
Because no one will ask for directions.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I found a restaurant that serves curry poured over french fries. Itβs called...
Curry On My Wayward Spud. And yes... Thereβll be Peas When You Are Done.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
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︎ Jul 15 2020
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Why do the words on the front cover of a book lord it over the words on the back cover so much?
They have a strong sense of entitlement.
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︎ Aug 26 2020
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Aug 05 2020
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