Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I swear, I put it down right over there!
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
Park it over it here
My mom likes pulling straight into park spots. My dad prefers to back in. I don't care. I'm Neutral
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
My steak didn’t taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it
But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
What do you call it when you feel like your hearing the same song over and over again
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
I’m so glad 2020 is over, but I can’t believe we have to go through it again after 2021...
After all, it’s twenty twenty too
It's cloudy all over just now.
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
I've just texted my wife Ruth to tell her its over...
It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!
...That's capital punishment!
If there’s one thing I learned over the years, its this…
When your wife starts a conversation with “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you just smile and agree. Don’t correct her, it’s a trap.
It’s crazy, all these people running these virtual races, starting all over the place.
Where do we draw the line?
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
It’s been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I bet it smells great over there!
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.
He got very angry!!!
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
I bought myself a Mini Cooper and painted the letter "S" all over it. When I drive around town...
everyone says look at that little "S" car go!
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in the hospital now waiting to see a cardyologist.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
Did you hear the joke about the number eight that fell over on it’s side?
It just seems to go on forever.
Bob:.. I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy Jack:.. " That's a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"
Bob:..."Yes, they're in favor of it, 14 to 3..."
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Why does it take over a billion sperm to find an egg?
Because no one will ask for directions.
I found a restaurant that serves curry poured over french fries. It’s called...
Curry On My Wayward Spud. And yes... There’ll be Peas When You Are Done.
This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
Why do the words on the front cover of a book lord it over the words on the back cover so much?
They have a strong sense of entitlement.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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