I went to one of those new cannibal themed restaurant last night...

It was $50 per head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Day one: happy new year everyone

Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I met one of my wife's new vegan friends. Then I froze....

Oh shit! I've slept with herbivore!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got rid of my son’s drum kit but he went behind my back and bought a new one.

There’s going to be serious repercussions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...

Sorry, just realized this was a repost.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought my wife one of them new wireless mouse chargers.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErockLobster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---

Rapscallion!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.

"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..

But it just wont cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saosin713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I'll just get new ones I guess
πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry if old, one of my favorites. I'm new. Be nice.

It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets off Amazon but delivery took forever...

She says it was worth the weight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creativedamages
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A pet store in New Mexico has seabirds in the window for sale; I bought the one on the right, but...

...I knew I shoulda taken that left tern at Albuquerque!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.

So far I'm sticking to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdollard333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.

He was the sole survivor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...

"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffy627
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoiceofLou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Badman_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently broke my iPad, so I decided I'll get a new one.

Just in case.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.

His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess, I'll have to buy a new one
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWildNazis
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…

It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?

It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my friends recently told me he’s bored and looking for a fun new hobby. I suggested getting involved in political protesting.

It really is a riot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cashmag3001
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
News: β€˜Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’

He needs a calmer chameleon

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought I would be happy with one new monitor

but one LED to another.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.

It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawn317
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called β€œU”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.

Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.

It was a changing of the Tide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazykegle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Will the new decade bring fortune or disaster? No one knows yet.

Hindsight will be 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Couldn’t fit the full image but the bike one says β€œAll New Apple Bike”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashrlder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
News Reporter: We've been looking for an escaped convict with one eye...

If we don't find him, we'll use two eyes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicy-Jimbo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I think tech YouTubers should be reviewing new shovels when new ones come out.

The technology in those things are ground breaking.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuferLad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Stupid Subway

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.

I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My new nightclub for giants finally opened. It took over 7 years of planning and we only had one rule...

It was no small feat!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshleyJack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?

It's called a unicornea.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhalesWails
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My mattress is starting to hurt my back, but I don’t know if I can afford a new one.

I think I’ll just sleep on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
One of these new shoes isn't right
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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