Went to see the new Thor movie for my friend’s birthday and one of them gave him a card and wrote Thor themed puns.
What did one bee say to another bee on their birthday?
As this year is a big one, I wanted to get a tattoo for my birthday.
But on reflection, the garden is too small and I hate the sound of bagpipes
Edit - a tattoo is a also military performance. The most famous of which is done at Edinburgh Castle each year, replete with battalions of pipers
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
My quickest Birthday was the one after my 21st
It was my 20 second birthday
One of my best friends made this for me for my birthday. I love it
What did the one-eyed pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What does it take for the one whose birthday falls on February 29 to hear 'Happy Birthday' from people?
Not one of my illegitimate kids sent me a birthday card....
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.
I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.
One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her “my next ones will only last 50 seconds!” She said, “Really?”
And, I said “Yes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!”
My family was eating birthday cake, and one of the he toppings looked like striped bark, so my mom asked my dad, " Do you want a bark?"
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
Since my kids last birthday in July no one has asked me...
... how old my kids are.
This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).
Their ages? 7 and 11. 😔
I just want to be able to say 7-11.
Dad pulled this one when we went out to eat for his birthday last night
The waitress asked, "So what brings you folks to Applebees tonight?" Dad answered, "Our car"
One year for my Mom's birthday, my Dad tied the presents he had gotten for her together, and stacked them. He then did this when bringing them outside to her.
imgur.com/mwwY4DT
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...
Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because
It's my way, or the Huawei
One special birthday my father gave me a clock that had been running since the day of my birth.
I had the time of my life.
My friend Abbey told me that she's "heard them all" from "crabby Abbey" to Abi-one Kenabi. It's her birthday and I know we can do better.
Comment your best "Abbey" puns. Bonus points: her last name rhymes with "long". Or... dong, I guess. So.... long.
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
My son has always wanted a boat, so I got him one for his birthday.
I wasn't going to buy it at first, but then I saw that it was on sail!
Pulled this one at a very nice restaurant last year on my birthday.
Waiter: Wanna a box for your leftovers?
Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for the bill.
He dropped this one after Mom's birthday dinner.
For starters my mom is 5'2
"You should run for public office. Even got the slogan ready to go. Vote for (Mom's first name) don't get caught short!"
Cue shit eating grin
My father dropped this one during my birthday dinner today.
So if I drink alcohol all day that means I'm alcoholic, right?
I guess drinking Fanta everyday means that I'm pretty fantastic.
Since today was my birthday I decided to steal one of my Dad's favorites.
Everyone: make a wish!
Me: (blows out candles and opens eyes) aww you're all still here. Maybe next year!
My friend's dad dropped this one at her birthday dinner last night....
The entire table was embroiled in a detailed conversation on their wine preferences, red vs. white, how pinot grigio was sometimes too dry, etc. Her dad asked,
Know what my favorite wine is?
I hate having to pay taxes!
My dad pulled this one when we were driving back from my sister's birthday dinner. A successful embarrassment.
My dad was driving, I (Connor) was in the back left seat, my sister (Nicole) was in the middle, and my sister's boyfriend (Sean) was in the back right seat (my mom was up front). My dad says to my sister, "The left eye says to the right eye, something between us smells!" After we chuckle, he says, "Sean said to Connor, something between us smells!" My sister appropriately blushed as we all moaned in disdain.
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