My wife keeps turning off the air conditioning

Not cool

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frosty_Dave
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Be careful picking strange AirPods up off the street

You might get hearing AIDS.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Bit of a story to this one but we'll worth the read...

Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors

Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'

The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.

Edit: Title spelling

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_rippp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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Three Generals - one Army, one Air Force, and one Marine - are having lunch together and striking up a lively conversation, when the subject turns to bravery.

The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"

"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"

"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."

"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"

"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/comradeaidid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2022
🚨︎ report
There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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Daughter got me again

Another situational joke from one of my daughters

Daughter2: wait, what’s a toast? Me: explaining what a toast is Me: everyone raise your glasses Daughter1: promptly takes her glasses off her face and raises them in the air

She got me!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WarmPatient
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Prof. Schrodinger was pulled over for a broken tail light.

The cop got out to inspect the car, when he smelled something decaying. Instantly, the cop pulled his gun and asked Schrodinger to get out with his hands up.

Prof. Schrodinger cooperated and got out. β€œWhat’s the matter officer?”

β€œOpen the trunk! Slowly!” The cop demanded.

Schrodinger paled. β€œNo officer, you’ll ruin my experiment!”

The officer took the safety off his gun, now alarmed. β€œOpen it! Now!”

The professor sighed, but opened his trunk. Instantly the smell of decaying flesh filled the air, but the officer was startled. β€œThat’s a dead cat!”

Schrodinger sighed. β€œYes, there is one now.”

(No cats were actually harmed in this!)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicWinterWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2021
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An old cowboy and his horse

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.

Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.

He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."

A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.

Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"

The cowboy says "I had to walk home".

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad at the hospital (after having a vasectomy)

my dad had these tubes in his nose, with oxygen when he woke up, and the nurse was around doing medical stuff..

Dad: Is these tubes necessary? can I take them out?

Nurse: I can try turning them off?

nurse is turning the medical ventilator off ...

My dad grasps for air

Nurse jumps in shock turning the ventilator on again and turns to look at my stupid father laughing

Nurse: "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

My dad was pretty woozy at the time and still he made the practical joke of the year

Haha! ahh I love that old bastard..

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mons388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2013
🚨︎ report
A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
So if you were about to kill someone, what kind of pun would you make?

So if you were to tie someone to a horse, then shove the horse off a cliff, what kind of pun would you say as the guy fell to his death?

This is for a story I'm working on, but I can think of is "Get off your high horse," "Have a nice ride," or "Air Horse One!" - and the last one would be anachronistic given the medieval setting. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MimiTheFirst
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
So I just got Dad Joked by my Mum

Well this was a little embarrassing as she is rarely funny. Anyway, I have been off work a lot over winter with chest infections and colds thanks to my asthma and the shitty English 'winter'.

She suggested I move back up north where the air is better, and I said that no, "I need to move abroad with my chest."

Her response: "What about the rest of you?"

I got schooled.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chiefian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I named my business "Bad Airplane"

I'm not sure I'll get it off the ground successfully...

My investment is crashing...

The only thing that went up in thin air is my money...

Stocks are in a nosedive...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Fish Puns

Within animal puns, we provide you the funniest bundle of fish puns

What did the fish say when he posted bail? β€œI’m off the hook!”


Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net


Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!


What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated


What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!


How do you make an Octopus laugh? With ten-tickles


Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!


Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.


What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.


What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna


Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.


What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.


Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments.


What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.


What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? Damn!


Whats the best way to catch a fish? Have some one thow it at you.


How do you make a fish laugh? Tell a whale of a tale.


What happens when you drink like a fish? You piss like a fire hose.


Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink? Just Squidding.


What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!


What did the fish say when he posted bail? β€œI’m off the hook!”


Why don’t fish like basketball? Cause they’re afraid of the net


Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!


What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!


How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles


Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!


Why don’t fish play basketball? Because there afraid of the net.


What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.


What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? Autotuna


Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.


What is the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.


Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Air-Headed!

Scene: A radio newsroom.

Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.

Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.

Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxinGonzales
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Politics

I'm in the back seat of my dad's car, as we're driving down a rather busy street of a populated city. My dad taps me on the shoulder and gestures out the window with an air of disgust.

Dad: "I can't believe all the political advertising they have out here."

I look around for quite some time, expecting to spot a house covered with election signs or political party banners. All that I see are a series of pylons with road signs intermittently placed in between them.

The signs say: "Keep left."

My dad snickers with pride and drives off.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ModernAztec
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Dad for the win last night.

So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.

It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.

Angrily, my brother says,

"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."

Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,

"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though β€” Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems β€” so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I was at my local comic shop, and got the owners

I was talking with the comic shop owner, we'll call her Lisa, who was holding my 1 year old son. Someone from the shop always takes him off my or my wife's hands when we come in.

Lisa: "Guess I need to hand him back off so you can check out."

I take my son back and throw him in the air a couple times. He is laughing while I'm smiling.

Lisa: "I'm not sure who was enjoying that more."

Me: "Eh, it's a toss-up."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xilban
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
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Mum hit a deer last night, Dad says it was venicide.

Direct impact, so the front of the car is totaled and it can't be driven, but no air bags went off so everyone is okay. The morning has been long, lots of time on the phone since the vehicle in question was a rental. Can't say they won't remember their time in Alberta.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meredithgillis
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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A love story

There was a little boy who absolutely loved tractors, so for his 3rd birthday, his father bought him a little toy one. The boy thought this was the best toy he had ever gotten, and ignored all his other gifts to focus on the tractor, pushing it around the lounge whenever he got the chance, making tractor noises etc.

As the boy grows a little bit older, he comes to his 10th birthday, when his dad says "Alright son, you're a little older now, so here you go" before giving him a push-along ride-on tractor for their backyard. The boy thinks this is even better than his now quite old toy tractor, and is taking days off school and everything just to ride around the house and neighbourhood on his push-along tractor.

He gets a little older again, and lo and behold, it's now his 18th birthday. His dad comes up to him during the party and says "Ok son, you're a man now, so here you go" before unveiling a fully functional tractor for his son. "Wow, thanks Dad, this is amazing!" says the son, before taking it for a quick test drive. The tractor becomes his main transport, as he goes to the grocery store and just generally cruises in his brand new tractor.

He decides to take the tractor on it's first proper outing, and goes into the middle of nowhere, with no cell service or house to be seen for miles, and the tractor of course breaks down. It takes him a while to get in touch with AAA and his Dad to come and help him out, so he decides after that experience that maybe it would be a better idea to invest in a car than a tractor after all.

Lo and behold, a few years later, the now adult son is driving down the same road in his new car, although there's now a house there that is engulfed in flames! A lady comes out, screaming "Help! Help! Call 911, my baby is trapped inside!" The man simply stops and says "It's ok, mam, I've got this." He takes in a massive gulp of air, and the entire fire just disappears! The lady says "Wow, that's amazing! How did you do that?!" before the man responds with "Well, you see mam, I'm an ex tractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatchyJosh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Got my own dad yesterday during fireworks

My dad, my brothers, and I have been at our family farm (we don't live there) for the weekend of the 4th. Last night we were outside shooting off fireworks, as any real American does on the 4th. About 50 feet in front of the house is a 4 foot high fence. My dad discovered that one of the cracker launchers we had fit perfectly in the upper part to launch the crackers into the air at an angle. Always the cautious one of the bunch, I responded to his idea:

"I dunno dad, I'm on the fence about this one."

Naturally, my brothers congratulated me on how lame my jokes were and told me to go inside and make more hot dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/degco44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
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New years diet

So my dad got us pretty good in a family text conversation.

So my little brother sends us a picture of a bunch of juice he has made and put in jars in his fridge.

LB: Going on a juice diet for the next 30 days, gotta loose 50 lbs in 2017!

Dad: I cooked beans and ham soup. I'm on a expelling air diet.

Dad: I've lost 5psi in 2days!

Dad: I'm thinking about getting a methane generator and going off the grid.

Me: πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RunsLikeARaptor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2017
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G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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So my dad was buying a raft today...

He was talking to the guy and told him it had a hole in it, the guy asks "where?", then my dad replies "right there" while pointing at the air nozzle. They both start laughing and the guy gives him $5 off.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rope_And_Chair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Dad-joked my classmate

My classmate and I were doing the old rocket-pen trick (You know the one, where you click in the pen and release it and watch it soar into the air.) However, my classmate was having some difficult grasping the intricacies of it.

Classmate: "I just can't seem to get it to lift-off!"

Me: "It appears you have ejectile dysfunction."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitharris
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm not a dad, but I apparently tell their jokes

I was in the car with my girlfriend and the air conditioning had been running to the point where the car had gotten plenty chilly. I asked if it was okay if I turned it off, which I followed up with:

"After all, the air should be in plenty good shape by now."

My girlfriend groaned as I laughed at my own joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krypt0night
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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Roaming Candles

I was telling my dad about the fireworks my friends and I lit off last night

Me: And I lit off a Roman Candle

Dad: (makes a squiggly line in the air) So did it go off and start roaming around?

Mom: ugh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forensikat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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