The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
My son was arrested today for not taking a nap.
He was charged with resisting a rest.
My dad had a really good one today. He said "I'm not going to claim that I am the best farmer alive".
But I am outstanding in my field.
Today I’ve decided to relax, not do much, and maybe read a little Norse mythology.
My son wanted to take his drone to the park. I said, "Not today,
remember you're grounded."
I bought a cheap thesaurus today, not only is it terrible
I went fishing today and did not get a bite...
I guess the fish learned not to trust anything online.
Wanna know why there's not enough anti-cheat measures in multiplayer games today?
.
Because there's too much uncle-cheat.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much...
...it's because I don't have any presence.
Not to brag, bit I aced the recent drug test at work today
Nobody got higher than me.
Today, my wife and I decided we would not like children.
So we will be kicking them out tonight.
A Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is
I told him, "that makes 2 of us."
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
I just bought a new treadmill today and I’m not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess I’ll take it one step at a time.
Not many fans are allowed in the stadium for Green Bay’s game today. It will be like
Well she's not here today so I can risk it!
I'm not a Chef but boyardees titties sweaty today.
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
You might not believe that today is Canada's 150th birthday.
Found out today that 6 out of the 7 dwarfs are not happy
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
The Pilgrim's Pride CEO plead "not guilty" today in a poultry price-fixing case
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
I told my student to stop denting his pen by hitting his desk with it. “That’s not allowed today,” I said:
“Only on In De Pen Dents Day.
So I noticed that I might not make it to my appointment today
I asked my boss: Can I get a rain-check?
my boss: "yeah, there's no rain today."
My friend used to say this all the time when someone disagreed with an opinion of his. Not sure if it’s appropriate for this sub, but it still makes me laugh when used today.
“Well, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are, and those who are not, my uncle.”
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
I'm not feeling very strong today.
My Mother turned 50 today. She's not too happy about it so I made her this.
I got hit in the head today with a Diet Coke. Don’t worry. I’m not hurt....
Today is National Waffle Day. Not sure how I feel about that.
“Boss, I’m not coming in today. I woke up this morning and found that I grew a thick beard and have a turban on.”
Boss: What?
Man: Yes, I’m calling in Sikh.
I decided not to put my watch on today before going out.
I wanted to have a timeless look.
My toy drone just got stuck in a tree. It’s not the least favorite thing that happened to me today,..
but it is definitely up there .
I was at the furniture store today but couldn't decide if I should buy a bed or not
I think I'll have to sleep on it
It’s raining today. My wife asked me to get her an umbrella. I said why you’re not made of sugar.
She was pretty salty after that.
My missus asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"
Siri said "Yes it will rain, and don't call me Shirley".
I think she forgot to take her phone off Airplane mode.
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but it’s worth a shot."
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but it’s worth a shot."
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt.
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