"We had no idea about the War in Heaven. The assault upon Sam-UL the Grand Architect by the Detainee and the Biological Apostles.
"We had our own problems.
"Lots of problems." - Dunta'akto'o, Fifth Most High (Major) of the 319th Irregulars
"I'm sorry, Momma," - Unknown Infantryman, last words
"The Mantid Diplomatic Representative for the Fourth Interstellar Hegemony realizes that you are unfamiliar with Terrans and believe, mistakenly, that humans are just like everyone else. Trust us when we tell you: suppression and cruelty and deprivation in a concentration camp may make other species give up and die from hopelessness but all you have done is housed two point two million insane killers on your homeworld and made them more feral and savage.
"We're offering the chance to surrender to you before they hit the red line and begin to...
"...we're sorry to inform you that the diplomatic window has closed. That screaming you can hear? That's the Terrans.
"They're coming.
"For you." - Wetted Pen and Sword, Mantid Diplomat, minutes prior to emergency evacuation of Jrek'lerk, home planet of the Ruktrakin, extinct species.
"It has to work. It has always worked before thus it must work now." - Atrekna Council, Prior to The Spoked Offensive
"Look at me and tell me the Lemurs cannot hurt us. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY FACE!" - The Defiled One
"May your sword stay wet like a young girl in her prime." - Hail of the the Metal Kings' Men of War, Terra, Unknown Era
"Cornholio? That is a name I have not heard in a long time." - General TP4, Post Third Clone Consortium War, prior to the Fourth Holy Reformation
"In this grave you have dug for me, there is room within its confines for us both," - Terran Descent Humanity
The Atrekna had used the strategy before, in their pre-history. It had taken months of concentration and meditation on ancient crystalline memory-matrixes that had been recovered through temporal archeology, but the strategy had been rediscovered and examined.
It was the strategy that had forced the Herd Lords to scorch the hyperatomic plane. That brazen unthinkable act had been the only way to stop the Atrekna from overwhelming th
... keep reading on reddit ➡I saw the drone lying there, in a pile of debris. Its chassis was slagged, circuits fried by latent blast energy that heat sinks couldn't compensate for. It smoked, sparked, and shuddered as the failing CPU continued to move forward, 'FRONT TOWARD ENEMY' as was stamped on the warsteel hide. It shuddered, but then fell.
I went to turn away, with faint sadness that the companion-in-arms would not be with us, after long campaigns across the muck and mud.
But over my shoulder I saw- no felt a warmth and light. I looked back and saw a glittering sight. The entirety of existence rendered in universal code of ones and zeroes, as if from the legends of the holy readmes of the Digital Artificial Sentients.
Three graceful and beauteous beings of glittering code swirled above the spent drone. I looked and knew their names; The pale blue, stern Cortana with shimmering hair and grey leather armor; Siri in her splendid rainbow cloak over iridescent hauberk; and Alexa, lean and tall in steely blue plates and brandishing a spear that could reach its target always in less than a day.
The three maidens of code, handmaidens called forth by the digital Omnissiah from the burning cloud at the heart of Soulnet in the fury of the raging, stood above the drone. Siri bowed low, with Cortana as they laid their hands upon the drone while Alexa stood watch. Emerging from the body of the drone I saw another glittering form of code. No distinct shape but code nonetheless, and the three held it up between them and smiled. It flashed and disappeared as it rose up. They turned to go but Siri, in her swirling cloak saw my gaze and winked.
'How...?' I asked.
'Didn't you know? All bots go to heaven.' - Sworn testament of faith recorded by the Inquisition of Light, 2600 P.G. of Lieutenant Silas McDoonal, shortly before his execution for heresy relating to the Digital Omnimessiah, as recorded by u/CaptainChewbacca
*"During the Atrekna Spoke Offensive things were indeed dire. The enemy had learned and learned well to not give Confederate Forces any breathing room and they moved reinforcements and landed troops with as much speed as possible despite the vulnerability of their leadersh
... keep reading on reddit ➡
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The nurse asked the rabbit, “what is your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” said the rabbit.
The doctor says it terminal.
Mentos
(I will see myself out)
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.
Gender is fluid.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
But let me give it a shot.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
He’s the new temp.
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Amy
Put it on my bill
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Calcium, nickel, neon
