To understand this pun you need to know that the book in the first photo is called Apolodor
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raaxen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."

"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."

So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me

Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlurredPrey87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said β€œplease I need to see”

I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabstain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Did you know that newborns have weak necks and need to have their heads supported?

Just a heads up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswitt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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There are 2 things you need to know about Halifax

otherwise it's just Halifact.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magooisim
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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If I ever need to know what state Juneau is the capital of

Allaskya

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Is this a repost? Tell me! I need to know! Please!!

What happens when you throw butter up in the air??

Butterflies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parasharman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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I know how to catch fish, but I need a second person.

Someone has to throw them to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13thmurder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I know someone who mailed toilet paper to people in need

They thought he was pretty Charmin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/averie_me_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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You need to know a little french for this...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juzkuz1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilipGlassEye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I just found out I am going to be a dad so I need to be prepared. Which are the best dad jokes you know?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xiph209
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My girlfriend said we need to take the puppy to the vet, I don’t know what she means.

I think we have to take him to the dogtor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yetilock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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You know, you need to stay away from that orange piece of tarmac

He's a bit of a cycle path

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

πŸ‘︎ 655
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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Quick. I need to know a type of fluid that comes from a tree.

ASAP

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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Do you know how much space fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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My reddit bio says everything you need to know about me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex1nChains
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.

I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatMoloko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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My dad wants to know if i need a ride

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/N34g1kT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7teen38
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
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You know how when you put your ear on a hard surface, everything is super loud? Whenever I do it, i immediately need to run to the toilet.

Seems like i have a really bad case of earontable bowel syndrome

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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SOMEONE in this house needs to know how to Dad properly.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miett
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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You need to know that my last name is Colon

My friend's dad saw me at church by myself and goes "since you're here without your family, does that make you a semicolon?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emscolon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
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I really might need to know someday, could be important

Was driving my brother to school when Volcano started playing on the radio, so I turned to him and asked "Do you know?"

"Do I know what?"

Singing along now:

"I don't know"

"I don't know"

"I don't know where I'm gonna go when the volcano blows"

He stuck his hands over his ears and groaned no, so I don't know if knows where to go either.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d_wootang
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
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