A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2022
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2022
🚨︎ report
Definitions for punsters

ABSENTEE A missing golfing accessory

AUTOBIOGRAPHY The car’s logbook

AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do

BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage

BOOKCASE Litigation about a novel

BURGLARISE What a crook sees with

CABBAGE The fare you pay to a taxi driver

CAUTERISE Made eye contact with her

COUNTERFEITERS Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

DILATE To live long

ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living

EYEDROPPER A clumsy ophthalmologist

GRANARY Home for old women

HEROES A guy manning the oars in a boat

HUMBUG Singing insect

LEFT BANK What the robber did when his bag was full of money

MISTY How golfers create divots

NONDESCRIPT Italian actors ad-libbing

NITRATES Cheaper then day rates

PARADOX Two physicians

PARASITES What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

PHARMACIST A helper on the farm

POLARISE What penguins see with

POST OPERATIVE A letter deliverer

PRIMATE Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

RECOVERY ROOM A place to do upholstery

RELIEF What trees do in the spring

RUBBERNECK What you do to relax your wife

TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting sick at the airport

SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does

URINE Or you’re out

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2022
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I got fired from Starbucks for making coffee too dark.

They said it was grounds for termination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a-tiberius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
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Well it looks like I won’t make it. Found out it’s terminal

D. And my connecting flight leaves from terminal A in 15 mins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pbzeppelin-42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
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Someone at my work was stealing coffee...

That's grounds for termination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toneiver
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you cross time traveling robots and Wendy's?

Baconator. Half bacon, half terminator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RileyMacabre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Doctor, I can't seem to remember what airport buildings are called!

I'm so sorry...

It's terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomKitten73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
LPT: If you are late getting to the airport, start running the moment after you check in.

You need to attain terminal velocity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What does terminator become after retirement

ExTerminator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Last_Yard1908
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Fresh from my dad earlier today.... Yellow 34

A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.

Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.

Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?

Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34

Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.

Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?

@Bingo

Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.

Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.

Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.

I've got Yellow 34.

Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azonic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran through the airport to catch my plane. Security told me I had to slow down.

I exceeded terminal velocity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the airport baggage handler depressed?

He had a terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I dated a one-eyed girl once...

I really liked her, but she said there was only a 50% chance of her seeing us together and would have to terminate our relationship.

I was heartbroken telling my father the story as he listened solemnly. As I finished, he paused, then looked at me reassuringly and said:

"Don't worry, son. Eye'll be back."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuicyBroccoli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
The FAA has issued new guidelines on speed for airplanes to dock and passengers to board the plane.

The speeds for both are now known as "terminal velocity".

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor because I can't stop saying airplane jokes

He said it was terminal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redt1979
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught the flu at an airport once.

It was a terminal illness.

(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PKE95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the computer that caught a virus?

Doc says it’s terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaBowserman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was diagnosed with a condition where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor said it was terminal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Popular333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes...

The doctor says it’s terminal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippergills
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a friend who kept telling airport jokes as he got sicker and sicker from Covid-19

He eventually died. I guess the condition was terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking at a Terminix truck, the IX at the end are the roman numerals for the number nine...

Which is one more than eight. I feel this has to have been part of the name creation. β€œWe’ll do you one better than terminate, we’ll termiNINE”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mchead22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Coffee Joke

So at work this morning I opened up a new can of coffee grounds and thought β€œIf I spilled this on the floor...would that be grounds for termination?” πŸ˜†

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIrvine77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A man caught a deadly virus while waiting for his flight at the airport

He's terminal ill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a disease where I can't stop making airport puns.....

My doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
🚨︎ report
I've got this disease where I can't stop making airport puns.

My doctor says it's terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ah1887
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says its terminal

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My computer has a virus.

It's terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SinisterSpektre
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christiescrubbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a terrible disease

I cant stop making airport jokes my docotor says its terminal

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilyardrapper07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

I think it may be terminal

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it terminal

πŸ‘︎ 362
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torrenter_11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

The doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bgreenwood95
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it's terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s_tormbringr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

my doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwingitout2day
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?

Terminal Illness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uzitha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I have an awful illness where I can’t stop telling airport jokes...

... My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyktic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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