Milton Jones - "My other grandfather died after falling in a bowl of fruit cake mix, sounds unlikely but you see..."

"...under the surface are very strong currants."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dghughes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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Why was John Milton banned from the casino?

Every time he came in, there was a pair of dice lost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTBartleBee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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Milton Berle Vs. Statler & Waldorf

I really miss those two . Stomach really hurting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGfx3QAV64M

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lio24ca
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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One day, I was at the park wondering why frisbees got bigger

And then it hit me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notterrence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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My grandfather got very ill, so we tried rubbing lard on his back

He went downhill very quickly after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigglywigdig26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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I wanted to study Rocket Trajectories at University...

But I had to change course at the last minute

(With apologies to the excellent https://twitter.com/themiltonjones from whom I stole it)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProffalken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2017
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Somewhere, between murder, and suicide........

There is a place called Merseyside - Milton Jones at the Apollo live

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Nostalgia

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said, β€œYou’re getting warmer.” (h/t Milton Jones)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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Working as a police officer, I encountered 2 African warriors dancing on an old Ford.

I radioed my supervisor and said "Zulu Tango Sierra. You're not gonna believe this..."

(Credit: Milton)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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I hate sitting in traffic

because I always get run over. (h/t Milton Jones)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2021
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We have no cars, no houses and no jobs.

Milton Bradley has failed to provide the necessities of Life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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Nearly all the funniest jokes at Edinburgh Fringe is dad jokes

The winner and the 9 runner ups: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

  • "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
  • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
  • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
  • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
  • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
  • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
  • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
  • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
  • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Wedding Puns

The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left


Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!


To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.


When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.


Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.


When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.


Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe


To many girls think the word β€˜marriage’ has a nice ring to it.


Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!


Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.


Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.


When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.


The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, β€˜Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, β€˜Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, β€˜You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, β€˜Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


A man inserted an β€˜ad’ in the classifieds: β€˜Wife wanted’.Β  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: β€˜You can have mine.’


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?Β About 30 pounds.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.Β  Second marriage is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
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