What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?

A boomerang

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueandgoldilocks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Did you hear that middle-aged people are the happiest?

Yeah, they’re halving the time of their life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zotiko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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My uncle always jokes that reaching the remote is middle aged yoga.

I say, Yoga?! Pff, that’s a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exaball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Why do middle aged men have dad bods?

Because they are father figures :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SKNABCD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What ancient, mythical creature do middle-aged women hate most?

The Menopausus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cicoontour
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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I’m middle aged and broke, but I think a young coworker is hitting on me.

I suspect she wants me to be her sugar free daddy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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middle-aged guy next to me in the pub yesterday asked the barman if they have a lighter ....

but they only had matches!

so he took them and said

"they'll do just fine. thank you very ...

match"

and yes, he paused, did the finger gun and winked.

surely he was a dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
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Today I discovered that all crows are middle aged

Every one of them has crow’s feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cold-Papa-Bell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Ad appeared in personal ads section.... Middle aged outdoors man, avid bass fisherman looking for like minded single woman with a bass boat....

Send picture of boat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Two middle aged men playing golf.

Out of the corner of his eye, through the trees, one gentleman sees a funeral procession passing just outside the course.

He removes his hat, holds it to his chest, bows his head and sheds a quick tear, before taking his shot.

The other gentleman comments that he never knew he was so emotional.

First gentleman replies, "well we were married for 30 years, it's the least I can do".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
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Did you know there’s a middle aged women only activist group who’s goal is to literally stop all men?

They call themselves β€˜Menopause.’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tristanio97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Dad Joke Daily - The Middle Aged

https://youtu.be/1JVma0S-UXI

Michael talks about medievil times and why it is always important to consult your Encyclopedia Brittanica.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/impulsive-ideas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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When a scientist becomes middle aged

He has a half-life crisis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterampbell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations....

.....and you pick the one that will get you home earlier.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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What is the worst part about being a letter carrier in the middle ages?

All the chain mail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?

Moataboat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ade_mcc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Did you know making people laugh in the middle ages

Was a good jester?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Why were people in the middle ages so medival and when did people advance from being mid-evil to advanced-evil?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tflightz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What was even deadlier than the early middle ages?

The high voltages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ultimadark
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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We all know it
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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What did they call the tampon in the middle ages?

A period piece

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Why do they call the middle ages the dark ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spac3_Bandit0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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When kingdoms fought in the middle ages

They were playing for keeps.

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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What would you name a book that's about a horse's dreams in the middle ages?

The Nightmares of a Knight's Mare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vernal59
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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History Lesson

History Lesson

In the Middle Ages people who had troublesome daughters sent them to nunneries so as to do something with their lives. However, doing that was a bit expensive so poorer families sent their daughters to become an anchorite. So for those families, becoming an Anchorite was second to nun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeagaMillion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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why is everyone in there 30-40's a knight?

because they're in their Middle Ages

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Confucius say:

He who fall asleep with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.

Couldn't decide whether to post here or /r/nostalgia. I fell asleep reminiscing about this gem last night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tubbyand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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A dad poem

Ladies and gentleman, Hoboes and tramps, Cross-eyed beetles, And bow-legged ants. Pull up a seat, And sit on the floor.

I'm going to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One dark day, In the middle of the night. Two dead boys, They stood up to fight.

Back to back They faced each other. Drew their swords, And shot each other. The deaf policeman heard it all, She came to shoot those two dead boys.

Don't believe this lie is true? Go ahead, ask the blind man. He saw it, too.

//Don't know who to credit this, it's a poem my parents taught me at a young age.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astucker85
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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A dadjoke in the supermarket.

I was buying some stuff in the supermarket the other day, and I was queueing behind an old man, and his middle aged daughter.

The woman seemed to be rushing, and she was frantically looking for her reusable bag. She said to the grandad,

"Where's the bag dad?"

He replied,

"Somewhere in Iraq I think."

He then looked at me and started chuckling to himself while his daughter groaned and got in with looking for the bag. I laughed with him. We shared a moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeamusTheGreat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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How old were the knights of the round table?

In the middle ages

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Singing French Knights

In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tuba_phone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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On a plane getting ready to take off...

When the flight attendant says that she needs a verbal yes from those sitting in the exit aisle if they are willing to participate. I hear this middle aged dad behind me. "Verbal Yes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_naas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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One of my clients told me this one.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a middle aged man in a Porsche?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peglegpegasus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Customer dadjoked my boss and I tonight. I loved it. His wife and my boss were not amused.

So I work at a pizza shop. This middle aged man, typical dad polo shirt, white New Balances, etc... comes in with his wife. They want subs. So my boss is taking their order. She asks him if he wants any cheese on his sub. He responds "yeah, that religious stuff". My boss looks up at him confused and says, "what?". I immediately jump in and say, "Swiss!" My boss looks even more confused. The guy is smirking and says, "yeah, the holy kind!" His wife lets out the biggest groan as him and I crack up. My boss just shook her head and walked away in disgust.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/relytv2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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a sad time for dad-joking at the office.

I have this ongoing thing at the office where whenever this one middle-aged guy (call him Andy) gets a haircut, I say, "Hey Andy, you got a haircut" and Andy, without fail dadjokes me with "I got them ALL cut" and then we yuk it up in the hallway ... this has gone on for years and years, until recently, when Andy decided that due to male-pattern baldness, he would completely shave his head. Now it is not as funny to tell Andy he got his hair cut, because literally he got them ALL cut and it just looks like I am making fun of him. (:(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
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Dad Joked a customer last night.

I work as a bartender at a classy cheese and wine bar in the DC area. Last night after some harmless flirting with some middle aged ladies, one exclaimed, "Sauvignon Blanc! That's my white jam!"

I replied, "Ma'am that's actually a wine, not a jam."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSheepdog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
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Dad Giveaway

Had a dad-spotting while walking through the empty hall at school a few minutes ago. A small object rolled out of a door further down the hall followed closely by a stooped over middle-aged professor chasing after it. He nabbed it up just as I was passing by and looked up at me to say, "I've got to get out of here. I'm losing my marbles."

He then laughed to himself and quickly ducked back into the classroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladybadcrumble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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There's no "I" in team.

I've heard my Pop tell this story so many times, I feel as though it's my duty to share it with this wonderful subreddit.

So, Pops is an air traffic controller. And a few years back, there was an initiative to boost workplace morale and get people to work together as a team.

Needless to say, the whole campaign was the butt of lots of jokes around the sector. Not that teamwork is a bad thing, of course. Just easy fodder for jokes, particularly in a group of middle-aged, dad-joke-loving men.

So one time, Pops is shooting the shit with another controller, and they're giving each other a hard time about one thing or another. And their supervisor walks up; real squirrelly guy who didn't cut it as an actually controller so they made him a supervisor (the FAA is silly that way). And he hears my Pops and the other guy razzing each other, and sticks his head in the sector and says, "Gentlemen, there's no 'I' in 'team'."

And Pops responds, "Yeah, but there's a 'U' in 'stupid'!"

Every time he tells that story, he just loses it. Cracks himself up. Even though I'm sure I've heard him tell it two dozen times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigafricanhat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Executive_Meme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Do you know why the Middle Ages are also called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why were the Middle Ages also called Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buteoPT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do they call the middle ages the dark ages?

Because there were so many Knights.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snowball161
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why were the middle ages called dark ages?

Because there were too many knights

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report

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