My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage. Thirty years and...
What did the melon say to the lemon's marriage proposal?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers...
The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers
My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage
My English grammar teacher was having some marriage problems and it was really getting to him, so the whole class joined in to buy him a gift
After we bought him a simple present, he was past tense
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What's the difference between a 10 yr job and a 10 yr marriage?
The job still sucks after 10 years
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?
Marriage is like a deck of cards
It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and ends with a Club and a Spade
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's.
Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one... Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!
It's my last resort!
Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"
A priest who is very conceited when performing a marriage...
Marriage is like a card game.
At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
I had a marriage counselling session with my wife and we were prescribed Marital Arts classes, after which our relation became more violent...
I'm starting to think the therapist didn't make a spelling mistake.
Did you know the letter “H” in marriage represents happiness?
My wife said that videogames were ruining our marriage
There are 3 rings in marriage
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering
Is it the position of the full stop or going to prison is better than marriage?
Why don't melons believe in marriage?
What fruit always has a traditional marriage?
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Marriage is grand!
But a divorce is 10 grand
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal
Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.
When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.
She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"
To which i respond,
"Oh i just felt like...
[Unwraps tinfoil]
Giving you a ring"
My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"
I'm looking for the expiration date.
They say marriage is like a workshop.
Where the man works and the women shops.
Marriage isn’t just a word. It’s a sentence.
I made this cake for my stats teacher who got engaged. Our class is confident the marriage will be for a lifelong interval.
Marriage is sacred.
I love it so much I've done it four times.
After making out with my clone, I kept talking about how in my day, we didn't have sex until marriage.
There I go dating myself again.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from sex before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
A recently separated man walks into a bar and says
"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"
A healthy marriage is often like disappointing electronics
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
Why do melons always have proper marriages?
My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor. "Have you guys been having sex?" she asked.
"Yes," we replied.
"Tell me about the frequency," the marriage counsellor probed.
"Well, he's a little bit too high-pitched for my liking," replied my wife.
Why is gay marriage an issue?
Some people are fucking assholes!
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
(Thank you u/VadJag for encouraging me to post this again!)
Marriage is like a deck of cards...
All you need to start of is two hearts and a diamond but come the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.
Boyfriend: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.
If a man and woman need a marriage licence, what do two women need?
Two letters fell in love, but their parents wouldn't approve of their marriage.
I love marriage proposals.
In a christian marriage, is the wife or husband supposed to make the coffee in the morning?
According to the bible, "Hebrews"
Medusa goes to marriage counseling
Why do melons have to plan their marriages?
The leading cause of divorce in a long term marriage is
I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard.
I’ve successfully completed two of them!!
They needn't have worried about talking to the marriage counselor about their intimacy issues
He was a consummate professional
Before marriage, a man is a dude! But after marriage?!
My young son asked me what letter marriage ends with.
When asked the time for his marriage, Jack Frost replied....
....snow time like the present.
A horse was having marriage issues...
He really hated his Mudder in-law
Marriage is like a hurricane
It starts off with all the sucking and blowing... Then you lose your house!
What do you call the marriage of a thin potato to a vat of hot oil?
As an atheist I firmly believe in no sects before marriage.
Engagement
What comes before a shotgun marriage?
En-gauge-ment
Marriage Equality
It's a real GAYme changer
I asked my mum, "How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapse
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight...
I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep.
Story of an abusive marriage.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal
"Will, you, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry
The biggest source of tension in my marriage...
is that me and my wife both enjoy tug-of-war
Do you support same sex marriage?
I do. I've been married to your mom and having the same sex for 30 years.
When I went into the barn I saw my father doing a strip tease act in front of our tractor
He explained that he went to a marriage counselor because mom didn't want to be intimate anymore. The counselor told him he should do something sexy to attract her.
A priest who is very conceited when performing a marriage has an altar ego.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: I can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers
I didnt know she sold flowers
Marriage, it had a nice ring to it.
Marriage has its pros and cons..
On one hand you get to wear a ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
When the councilor asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage, she said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns...
I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor: I think you have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: I can’t say that I do.
Doctor: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Marriage is grand
Divorce is a hundred grand
Three rings of marriage
Have you heard about the three rings of marriage?
There's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and finally the suffering.
Jail is more than just a word...
Doctor: I think you have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: I can’t say I do.
Doctor: Exactly.
What are the 3 rings to marriage?
- Engagement ring
- Wedding ring
- SuffeRING
My dad just told me this joke
three rings of marriage
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring
Funny, sad, and too often true.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond...
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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