Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
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︎ Jan 25 2021
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Itβs been years since the show ended, and Iβm a little annoyed that people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I'm trying to think of puns for one of my designs, Planet Erf. So far I have 'You Deser-ERF it' and 'I luv-ERF you' Any suggestions would be welcomed. Possibly ones that could go on a greeting card.
v.redd.it/hri3com63sc61
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︎ Jan 22 2021
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and Iβm happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Iβm both proud and ashamed of this one.
π︎ 168
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line !
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Iβm traveling through England and will be in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
I just bought a new treadmill today and Iβm not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess Iβll take it one step at a time.
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Even though I'm an avid duck and goose hunter, I don't own any calls.
My wife doesn't want me using fowl language.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Now that Iβm officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say βI bet he donβt have the guts to do that againβ
Edit: holy shit yβall this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...
It's only a draft at the moment.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
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︎ Jul 30 2020
Iβm at wedding and Iβm very thirsty so I am walking all around the whole ballroom looking for something to drink.
I canβt find the punchline.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
i'm working on puns and wordplays for my inktober. This is handburger
π︎ 94
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I'm here is Scotland and quarantine has me feeling all out of sorts...
And there is nothing worse for a Scot than being off kilter.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Im tired of being misunderstood and Iβm going to get straight to the point!
Iβm drawing a line in the sand.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I just finished Grosse Pointe Blank and now Iβm putting on Good Will Hunting.
Itβs a Minnie marathon.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Opened the electric bill and the Wife can't understand why i'm on the floor laughing.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm 6 foot 6 inches (~196cm) and I recently found the cause for my back problems.
Almost everyone looks up to me. Being a role model to that many people is a lot of weight for one to carry on their shoulders.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I just thought of this today as I was driving... Iβm sorry in advance π I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 22 2020
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Iβm a server and hereβs a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but Iβll wrestle you for it.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...
Who wants to beat a million bears.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Iβm a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing
Itβs hard trying to be the bigger person!
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Iβm thinking of a word. Starts with P and doesnβt have an ending
π︎ 25
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I'm starting a combination of a Frozen Yogurt shop and a news stand.
It will be called FroYo Information.
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
π︎ 16k
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︎ May 14 2020
Anyone: Iβm gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.
Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 18 2020
5YO: "Dad, I'm hungry AND DON'T SAY HI HUNGRY I'M DAD"
Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 16 2020
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
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︎ Oct 29 2020
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
π︎ 20
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
π︎ 13k
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︎ May 18 2020
For my next car, Iβm going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 04 2020
I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.
Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 09 2020
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