Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
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︎ May 31 2021
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
๐︎ 2k
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︎ May 23 2021
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Iโm making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane
We are currently filming the pilot
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︎ Jun 05 2021
I'm a fisherman, and I'm dating a mermaid.
๐︎ 422
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︎ May 21 2021
I'm in a band called Dyslexia....
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
๐︎ 728
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︎ May 17 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnโt stop singing โIโm a Believerโ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm unhappy with Prime Day
Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
๐︎ 135
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︎ Jun 10 2021
I'm a social vegan...
๐︎ 678
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︎ May 11 2021
"I'm coming over"
๐︎ 227
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︎ May 16 2021
Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..
๐︎ 210
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︎ May 14 2021
I mean, I'm not wrong...
๐︎ 137
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year.
I think it will gain a lot of interest.
๐︎ 25
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︎ Jun 07 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโฆ.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I'm not addicted to cocaine
I just like the smell of it, that's all.
๐︎ 57
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︎ May 26 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iโm a man, everybody I know says Iโm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iโm a 4-person family
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I'm really excited for the next autopsy club.
๐︎ 22
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︎ Jun 05 2021
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
๐︎ 62
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︎ Jun 01 2021
I'm getting hungry
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
People say Iโm too apathetic.
๐︎ 25
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︎ May 28 2021
I'm dead
๐︎ 202
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︎ Apr 27 2021
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
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︎ May 28 2021
I'm hooked!
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jun 10 2021
I'm a bad electrician...
People are usually shocked when they find out.
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︎ May 14 2021
I'm trying to eat more kale because it's healthy. But when I see it on my plate, I ask myself...
Do the ends really justify the greens?
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︎ May 12 2021
M positive he would be
๐︎ 39
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︎ May 27 2021
Patient: Doctor Doctor I'm blind!
Doctor: I see
Patient: Well no need to rub it in.
๐︎ 74
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Iโm about to share a joke thatโll turn r/dadjokes upside down
๐︎ 626
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Was planning a big announcement that Iโm watching the new Marvel TV show.
But Iโm keeping it low key.
๐︎ 15
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︎ Jun 09 2021
Me: my nose has been running for days, I hope Iโm not getting a cold
Wife: probably just allergies, the air is full of pollen
Me: I guess you could say Iโm snotty by nature
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︎ May 29 2021
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
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︎ Jun 05 2021
Iโm reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
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︎ May 19 2021
I'm trying a bold approach to my IT applications
๐︎ 10
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︎ Jun 02 2021
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament,
but good players are really hard to find.
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︎ May 01 2021
I'm a second hand vegetarian....
Cows eat grass and I eat cows.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Jun 09 2021
I'm writing a novel about a canine bartender who pours pints of sand...
It's just a ruff draught for now.
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︎ Jun 10 2021
This bloke said to me: โIโm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.โ
I said: โIs that a fret?'
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Iโm ashamed to say this, but I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I donโt know Y (possible repost, but I donโt care)
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︎ May 20 2021
Iโm flushed
๐︎ 184
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Iโm such a great speller but I canโt spell ironik
Well....... isnโt that ironik
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︎ May 31 2021
I'm a very spontaneous person
*proceeds to burst into flames*
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︎ May 25 2021
I'm making my way up in the Housekeeping Mafia.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Jun 06 2021
I'm usually easygoing, but when my wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo-
I had to put my foot down.
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︎ Jun 09 2021
I'm sure he could pull it off
- Did you hear Thor's brother performed at the drag festival?
- No, I did not. How was it?
- It was pretty low-key.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jun 02 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
๐︎ 72
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︎ May 13 2021
I told my wife, โFrom here on, Iโm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.โ
She said, โWhere will you find the time?โ
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
๐︎ 142
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︎ May 05 2021
I'm not a stalker...I just know things...
By the way, you're out of milk.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jun 10 2021
I'm PROUD to have a butt like Hank Hill
My face may be a six, but my asinine
๐︎ 5
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︎ Jun 05 2021
I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...
Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.
๐︎ 33
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︎ May 20 2021
I'm making a new documentary series about how to fly an airplane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
๐︎ 15
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︎ Jun 06 2021
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