What do you call a man lying down accross a stream?

Adam

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StoneyBolonied
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Driving past a field of cows where some are lying down

Dad: Hey, that cow looks tired. Maybe she just gave birth.

Literally no one:

Dad: because if she did she'd be... decalfinated

(rewrite of an annoyingly long post I made yesterday)

Edited for clarity

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mxcrnt2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.

Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".

The person replied "what?"

> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"

> "WHAT??"

> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"

> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/defaultorpattern
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, β€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”

The man says, β€œIt’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomsonc014
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I was lying beneath a tree pondering gravity, when suddenly an apple came tumbling down

. . . and then it struck me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/l94xxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the squirrel lying down in the middle of the road?

He got tired.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kraft414
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Some soldiers like shooting lying down.

Their aim is less prone to error.

*edited for grammer

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain?"

I replied, "Their legs must get really tired during a drought."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drjohnson89
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I was lying on the floor today, repeatedly lifting a 12-pack of Coke up and down off my chest...

...and all I could think was, "This is soda-pressing."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dcbluestar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the bike lying down on the floor?

Because it was two-tyred.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thetengz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the bicycle lie down

Because it was two tired🀣

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2022
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the duck who tried cocaine?

Yeah, he’s all quacked out right now.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NewtypeRimu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2022
🚨︎ report
People began paying the Hawaiian volcano goddess to lie down from time to time

They're calling it a pay lay

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Entias
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 223
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m getting a little tired of my wife saying that I sit around doing nothing all weekend.

I’m ….not going to stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
🚨︎ report
When Lil Uzi Vert lies down...

Does he call himself Lil Uzi Horizont?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AstleyAstroplane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/W15139
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I break every bed I lie down on...

Guess I must be a heavy sleeper

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oil_moon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I lie down and spin to one side

That's just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DicDacMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the elephant lie down in the river?

Because Tarzan said "damnit".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriousStyles13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
While I was laying down, my wife climbed on my back and started numbering things on her fingers.

I guess you could say I have people counting on me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trentertained
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
🚨︎ report
I always wipe my mouth before I lie down.

I'm nap-kin.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/figarojew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone remember that trend where people would lie face down in random places? I want to sketch someone doing that, but I can't remember what it was called.

I'm drawing a plank.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MSeltz
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2015
🚨︎ report
PSA: If you or a loved one has been forced to wear glasses and a face mask at the same time

They may be entitled to condensation

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkcelt2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it

I know it is hard to believe me but I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skrrrter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work.

She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up.

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryan22000044
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Some top Tom Swifties
  • "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
  • "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
  • "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
  • "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
  • "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
  • "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
  • "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
  • "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
  • "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
  • "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
  • "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
  • "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
  • "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
  • "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
  • "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
  • "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
  • "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
  • "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
  • "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
  • "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
  • "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
  • "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
  • "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
  • "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
  • "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
  • "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
  • "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
  • "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
  • "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
  • "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
  • "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
  • "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
  • "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
  • "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
  • "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
  • "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
  • "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
  • "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
  • "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
  • "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
  • "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
  • "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
  • "I hate pale ale," sai
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
🚨︎ report
As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from my Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I grabbed my holy water bottle, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb! The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, '"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle holy water! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to the bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in bed in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OlderFLDude7
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they’re standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Excellent one from my partner this morning

How did you sleep?

"Lying down"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aropopster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2022
🚨︎ report
When is 8 the greatest of all time?

When it's lying down on the job

∞

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2022
🚨︎ report
You get what you wish for

The other day at dinner I got in an argument with my son. The wife tried to intervene and once it settled down she asked him, hoping for an apology, "have you got anything you'd like to say?" Without missing a beat he said "yeah, I wish my dad would drop dead!" I won't lie it did hurt but not nearly as much as hearing the news that the mail man had suddenly died.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckingDirtbag
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 224
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my recliner…

I won’t take this lying down.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/audiofankk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
An old dev dies. Now this dev has lead an awful life.....

Lying, stealing etc and thinks they are going to hell. The dev gets to the pearly gates and is met by St Peter...... and their worst fears are confirmed when St Peter pulls out 10 books, all labelled with the devs name.

St Peter says "these books are a record of all the sins you have committed. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"

The dev looks down at their feet and says " I did try to be good"

St Peter says "it's ok, you can come in. You've already paid in syntax"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.