Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
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︎ Oct 22 2020
You know you're an adult when you look at the ceiling after hearing a dad joke
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︎ Sep 04 2020
It's titled "Cheetah After Lunch", but it looks like a flamin' hot cheetah to me
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︎ Jun 09 2020
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
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︎ Mar 18 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
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︎ May 16 2020
My neighbour said he'd look after my dog if I accepted the fact that he's currently dating a punctuation mark.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! Iβll be putting this in my little oneβs Reddit Scholarship Fund!
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︎ Jan 09 2019
What do you call people that look after math formulas
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︎ Apr 23 2020
I promised my wife I would look after her 6 cats while she went to a business conference...
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︎ Mar 05 2020
A charity that looks after dogs...
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︎ Jan 24 2020
This man goes on holiday for a week and leaves his brother to look after his cat.
He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back.
Anyway, how's our mother doing?"
His brother says:
"She's on the roof, bro"
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︎ Nov 13 2019
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
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︎ Mar 02 2019
A Nine year old girl has gone missing after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger
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︎ May 03 2019
What do you call a person that looks after chickens?
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︎ Sep 22 2019
After shaving my beard, I realized I liked my old look better.
I guess it really did grow on me.
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︎ Oct 12 2019
My date just walked out on me after I told her I look at tits and boobies all day
Guess she doesn't like birdwatching
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︎ Jul 23 2019
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"
She smiled and said "No"
I said "One day, One day"
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︎ Sep 08 2018
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, βHey, did you know we have a drink named after you?β
The grasshopper replies, βReally? You have a drink named βSteveβ?β
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︎ Jan 25 2019
I'm firing the man who looks after my allotment on mental health grounds
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Dad, after closing the cupboard door and shooting me a panicked look
We need to get to the shop, quickly! We're running out of thyme!
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︎ Aug 18 2016
The neighbours asked me to look after their dogs while they're away.
I thought, "How can I look after them if they are on holiday?"
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︎ Dec 24 2018
Mr. Chin decided to look for new opportunities after being knighted by the queen.
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︎ Aug 25 2018
Why did the cow look so nervous after eating a pot plant?
Because the steaks couldn't be any higher.
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︎ Dec 08 2017
Looks like we wont be playing Yahtzee after all
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︎ Jan 29 2018
A guy asked me if I did work as the person who looks after the film's as they ran at the cinema
I told him no, he was just projecting.
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︎ Oct 15 2017
After the success of the new Star Wars movie, if Daisy Ridley looks for more money for the next film, and Disney say no ...
they'll call her Raisy Didley.
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︎ Dec 28 2015
Who looks after a Jedi's robes?
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︎ May 03 2015
My housemate wanted me to look after his herb garden while he was away.
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︎ Nov 17 2013
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves....
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︎ Feb 14 2015
Driving through a construction zone and dad says "looks like we'll be driving in the wrong lane up ahead," after passing a "right lane closed ahead" sign.
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︎ Apr 18 2014
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 21 2019
A nine year old girl has disappeared after using a moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger!
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︎ Nov 13 2018
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