What do you call a basketball player who's been in the sun for too long?

LeBronze James.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VodkaWithSnowflakes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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My son didn't cope well with going to jail.

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ravireads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.

Iโ€™ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went โ€œall-inโ€ meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said โ€œthe bet is $205โ€

And I replied โ€œah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??โ€

Iโ€™ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ScrunchJeans
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iโ€™m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donโ€™t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, itโ€™s been around the birthday block a few times, but thereโ€™s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youโ€™re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youโ€™re thinking, โ€œI bet this is a junkerโ€, but youโ€™d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iโ€™ve ever had my hands on.

Whatโ€™s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itโ€™s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itโ€™s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iโ€™ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itโ€™s whatโ€™s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donโ€™t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnโ€™t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iโ€™ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youโ€™re traveling with another couple, Iโ€™m sure theyโ€™ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnโ€™t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DjBWren
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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At my Dad's birthday dinner...

...and we're talking about what they thought my brother would be when he grew up.

Brother: What did you guys think I would be?

Mom: Well I thought you'd be a piano player because you have such long and scrawny fingers!

Dad: See, that's where we disagreed. I figured you'd be great at picking your nose.

slight silence

Dad:At least one of us was right!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThatSmellyGuy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2016
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Couldn't pass up the opportunity after showing off my Christmas gifts

Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.

Story:

For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.

So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".

I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."

It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yab21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Twins

At my brothers hockey game with my Uncle, father of 2, who we are describing the players to.

"Then those two! They are twins, they're 12 and 18" - me

"Holy crap! I though my daughters had a long labor. That must be a record!" - Uncle

Collective sigh from people who weren't even involved in the conversation. Success.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SeriousTiberius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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Elders react Dadjoke

Commenting on Paul McCartney

"God that guitar player, he's going to go a long way, I got a feeling"

https://youtu.be/ytlqn8Da7bY?t=1m16s

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bopodogo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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I got dadjoked today at disney

So I'm at Disneyworld today and I'm getting really tired of walking around so I head to Casey's Corner to grab a bite to eat and something to drink. While I'm there, the ragtime piano player starts playing. He sounds great and I request a few songs for him and he obliges. After he finishes playing, I ask him how long he has been playing. Without missing a beat, he stares me in the eyes and simply says, "thirty minutes..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FenderPicker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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