My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, “That’s 15 love.”
I believe I will take my leave now.
If you’re Russian going into the restroom, and you’re Finnish when you leave… what are you when you’re in the restroom?
If you go to the bathroom American, and leave the bathroom American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
People often leave their kitchen basin outside in winter..
What is the last thing they give Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the factory?
A test tickle (gotta say it out loud)
I’ll just leave this right here and slowly fade away
Which door do hens use when they leave?
What do you call a man hiding in a pile of leaves?
I wonder if Novak Djokovic will leave Australia quietly
or will he make a racket ?
My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down.
To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
Why did the fish leave the disco early?
Because he pulled a mussel.
Why did the driver leave his car on the edge of the cliff?
Because the mechanic told him it needed more suspense
If you leave a gratuity for a waitress of the bovine persuasion…
Does that constitute cow tipping?
My spouse told me to stop making animal puns or leave..
I guess alpaca my bags then
I always leave my phone on vibrate
What happens when you leave the window open when it rains?
I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.
Me: She said she'd leave if I keep doing Borat impressions
My therapist: who said that?
Me: My wife
When I was a kid I got arrested for rolling around in a pile of leaves
They charged me with rustling
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
Why did the Astronaut leave his wife?
Because he needed some Space.
What do you never leave home without?
I’ll just leave this right here and slowly fade away
I like to leave a small container of coins above my door at night to warn me if anyone is entering my room
I call it my spidey-cents
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves
Today was the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a film maker who is not allowed to leave the house for two weeks?
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there - and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, SLAMMED the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn't leave.
My parents are the worst.
What did the first person to put leaves on water say?
My wife and kids are threatening to leave, because of my obsession with horse-racing.
My son came up to me yesterday and asked me what it was like to be married. I told him to leave me alone.
An hour later I found him and asked him why he was ignoring me
Why did the orangutan leave the party at 2:30?
Because he had to get home by tree.
(Fun fact: I came up with this joke when I was asleep. Is it a gem? No; but I think it’s pretty okay for being unconscious.)
The gal at Starbucks asked me if I wanted her to leave a little room in my decaf Venti?
I said no thanks. I don’t think it would fit
Why did the egg leave the comedy club?
He didn’t appreciate the yolks
I knitted a belt made out of thyme leaves.
It was a huge waist of thyme.
I brought my shirt with a four leave clover design on it to the cleaners...
...Because I felt like pressing my luck!
What happens when you leave a chocolate cake by itself?
A hen will always leave her house through the proper ...
My grandmother told me to leave the sage leaves whole when putting them in the roasting dish
An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."
The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you have to leave a tip?
My wife said she's going to leave me if I don't stop telling llama jokes
What do you get when you leave your fireplace burning on Christmas Eve?
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
I brought my shirt with a four leave clover design on it to the cleaners...
...Because I felt like pressing my luck!
You know you’re American when you go to the bathroom & you’re American when you leave the bathroom, but do you know what you are while you're in there?
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