Last Watch Puns

It was quite spirited

It was a real page turner.

I’ll admit, at first I was like, “Wakanda superhero is this guy supposed to be?”

Me: "I doubt you will be able to find even one parrot this time of day, let alone two!"

The game was called Be There or Be Square.

It was paper-view

Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one."

Groans from the wife and kids ensue.

That’ll be the Peer review.

I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".

Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face.

Nobody does that to a woman.... not on my watch

He sat me down the other day and asked why a watch?

“I guess it’s just been something to pass the time”

I tried to save him, but he was he was too far out, maaan.

After it was over, he asked me what I thought.

I looked at him and sighed, "I don't know. Everyone raved about it but to be honest, it really though that it was ogre rated."

Friend: Stallone? Me: No it finished last night.

"I like your necklace! That style is timeless."

It was a real tear jerker

I said, “Congratulations, you just passed your free COVID test”.

It was the best dam documentary I've ever seen.

Let me tell you, he sleighs…

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

...

She thought it was exciting
I actually thought it was boron

And I'm thinking. "So... what's your point."

(took me a while to work it out but eventually funnier than sad on balance.)

I just finnish my favorite series

I think that's how I'll watch all documentaries from now on.

One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"

and upon telling our daughter this morning she asked is that a prequel to “The Hole”. It gets better … my wife then says “that was a dad joke” and she says “no it was a good joke”

The bartender, after having owned the bar for 20+ years, tells the customer, "I've seen some crazy things go on in this bar and in this town. I don't think you can do it. You're on."

The customer reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a man who stands 10" tall. He tells the bartender, "watch this." Then tells the little man, "how about beethoven's 5th?"

The small man goes to the piano, climbs onto the stool, and plays beethoven's 5th symphony flawlessly.

With his mind properly blown, the bartender slides his customer a beer.

An hour later, the same customer challenges the tender to the same bet, who again, obliges.

The customer pulls a genie lamp from another pocket and tells the owner, "this genie has no limits. Make a wish."

In disbelief, he says, "alright, I wish I had a million bucks."

The bar immediately fills with white-feathered birds.

"I WISHED FOR BUCKS, NOT DUCKS!!"

The customer replied, "when was the last time you wished you had a 10 inch pianist in your pants?

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

It was truly the end of an ERA

It was on pay-per-view.

Bit of a scam though,

Both teams folded.

My wife coming up to me as we are about to go watch the new Avatar Movie on new years,

“I have something to tell you something…. I haven’t bought anything from Amazon all year”

I laughed so hard by being caught off guard and knowing it won’t last.

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?

The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."

So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.

He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.

When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.

The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."

But wait, there's more...

The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."

The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.

Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.

The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.

The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.

Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I'll show myself out.

Good night

I replied, "Of course it's over your head! It's in space!"

Last night I watched a documentary on marijuana. It was very interesting.

I think I’m going to watch all documentaries like that now!

Most documentaries are more enjoyable that way.

It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.

It was riveting.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

Luckily I was the one facing the telly

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Me: "Your first one? Yeah, bullshit."

Him: "No really. My god did I ever look young."