Last night in bed, my wife kept saying “I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein and I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings”
She’s Tolkien in her sleep again.
I had a great teacher at my last school, called Mr Turtle.
What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
For the last time kids, I don’t have a favorite child.
I regret you all equally.
What part of the body dies last?
Last night someone hacked into my computer and stole my Microsoft Office account.
Mark my WORD, I will EXCEL in finding you.
I broke my finger last week...
On the other hand I’m OK.
65,454,957 people got married last year
I don’t want to start any problems but shouldn’t that be an even number?
I got lucky and got extra leg room on my last flight!
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually, it was more of a Spell Check.
My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night.
She ended up rolling in the Jeep.
I accidentally took my cats' meds last night
Since Mario was made by Nintendo, a Japanese company, Mario is Japanese. First name Mario, last name Itsumi.
To whoever stole my antidepressants last night,
If Tim McGraw and Faith Hill had hyphenated their last names...
They would have had a textbook marriage.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night
Damn near poked my eye out
I had to end my relationship with my cross eyed girlfriend last night.
I thought she was seeing someone else.
Last night I went to my toolshed to find a shovel, and I tripped.
At first I thought I'd stumbled over the lawn mower or a rake.
Turns out it was the ladder.
An actress named Reese, I forget her last name, recently wrote an autobiography.
Witherspoon?
No, it was with her pen.
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What has beethoven been doing for the last 400 years?
My wife is mad at me for overcooking the ribeye last night.
I told her that we all make miss-steaks.
I had a flat tire last night, but I am too broke to get it fixed.
I have to come up with a retirement plan.
I watched a show about beavers last night
It was the best dam documentary I've ever seen.
My friend David got his ID stolen last night
I read a lovely story about ethically-sourced coffee to my kids last night..
It had a fair retail ending.
What were the balloon’s last words to his dad?
Why are vampires always picked last for dodgeball?
I was reading a great book about cocaine last night...
... After the first few lines, I was hooked.
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea ...
I was in the process of selling my land to some Indians I met but they backed out last minute.
I guess they had their reservations.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
What happens to the last slice of bread in the pack?
He becomes dough-pressed that he’s all a-loaf now.
I made six figures last year.
My supervisor at the toy factory said I was the worst employee they'd ever had.
I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...
And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.
Got heartburn from a Jewish restaurant last night
Turns out the food was too Hasidic.
I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song
When I opened the door it turns out it was just chives talkin'
I had trouble sleeping last night because my partner was snoring too loud. I put in headphones and listened to some brown noise to drown it out. It sounded like this:
Slept like a log last night.
Woke up in the fireplace.
My offspring came out as transgender last night
As far as I’m concerned, I have no son
Edit: Looks like I’m getting downvoted. Pretty sure that’s a good thing on this sub. Some people just can’t think straight
True Dad Joke In the Wild: Last night, I ran into a bunch of people protesting to ban horse-drawn carriages being an attraction for the holidays
They were not amused when I told them that a vote had been taken on the matter, and the horses unanimously voted “Neigh!”
Last night a police officer knocked on my door...
He said: "Sir, it looks like your mother-in-law has been hit by a bus."
I replied: "I know, but she has a great personality."
My wife was a nightmare last night.
She wouldn't stop horsing around
The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...
They had no chemistry et. al.
I've been trying to get a job as a dealer in one of the casinos but none of them will hire me because I have a bad habit of biting my nails. so I got a job as a plumber last week.
I start dealing at the casino on Monday
Last night I had a really nice glass of wine. The label said they fermented the grapes in natural oak for 3 months and concrete for two. I asked the host, "why concrete?", but they didn't know.
I said, "I bet it's to cement the flavor."
True story. First post here!
Someone stole all of my Christmas lights last night
It’s ok though, my family and I are just delighted.
This is the last NFL Sunday with false starts
Next week they will be Winter’s tarts
I accidentally took a few of my cat’s meds last night…
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night
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